Human Experiences
by jstarrh
Summary: Edward never left, he stayed by Bella's side but refused to change her, wanting her to have the human experiences she deserves. As Bella approaches her 30th birthday she gets her news that makes her question the direction her life has taken. SM owns char
1. Conclusions

_AN – This is something that I already have completely written that I wanted to share here. Since it is done already it will be updated quickly._

_Hope you enjoy._

For a while there my life was idyllic, I had a man that I loved more than life itself and who loved me back. His family welcomed me with open arms and they were the large family I had always dreamed of. Edward had looks, money, a great personality, he was perfect except for one tiny thing, he was a vampire. To me it was a minor detail; to him it was a curse. It made sense that he wasn't human, no living thing could be so perfect and I never once questioned that I wanted to be with him for eternity. That is where we hit a snag; Edward agreed that he wanted to be with me for eternity, my version of it, not his. He would not even consider changing me into a vampire, even bringing the subject up brought on an afternoon of sulking, him, not me. He thought it would be the ultimate selfish act to change me, or to damn me as he considered it and he wouldn't think of doing it. His family may not have agreed with him but no one dared to go against Edward, in their eyes he knew what was best for me. For the better part of my life I felt the same way too, Edward wanted what he thought was best for me and he didn't want to take away any of my human experiences as he called them. I was so in love with him that I wanted to be with him any way that I could, he was my everything and I know I wouldn't be able to survive without him in my life so I was willing to have him any way that I could.

Life was great, we finished high school, we went away to Dartmouth together and we even got engaged and got married, it wasn't something that we could put off for too long, at some point it would be noticeable that my fiancée and his family looked amazing while I only look older and more tired. I had to admit that I did enjoy college, although I told Edward it was something that I still could have experienced as a vampire. I majored in English and truly loved every minute of it. The whole family had come with us and stayed in the house their house close to campus. Alice was my best friend in the world and Rosalie was starting to warm up to me, Emmett was the big brother I never had and Jasper was well Jasper.

After college we decided to head to Alaska after a brief visit to Forks to see Charlie and my friends. At this point it could be argued that Edward just aged very well while I had matured a bit at college. My body had filled in and I was no longer the awkward teenager I was when I first arrived in Forks. It was a bittersweet visit because I knew it would be one of the last times Edward and I could visit together. There was a point where people would start asking questions. Still I was willing to accept this to be with Edward.

As each year went by there were more and more things that I was willing to give up or accept in order to be with Edward. I couldn't get a job because we couldn't risk anyone finding out about the family and why I was married to such a younger man, I couldn't go back to high school with the family for obvious reasons, I couldn't bring him home to visit my mother or father, and I couldn't make love to my husband because he didn't trust himself not to hurt me. He was always strictly in control of our physical relationship; we could never go past his carefully constructed limits. Yet I still agreed, still accepted him always being in control.

I had given up on pressuring him to change me, it was a futile argument. There was nothing that was going to sway him and I didn't want to anger him for fear that he would realize that he could do better. I still couldn't bring myself to believe that I deserved him and that he wouldn't find someone better suited to him.

Then one day as I was approaching my 30th birthday something changed. I had gone to the doctor for a routine yearly exam and my world came crashing down upon me. Once again I was thankful that Edward couldn't read my mind because all that he would hear would be two words over and over again; cervical cancer. The doctors words just bounced around in my head, I could only pick out certain words when he was talking…chemotherapy, hysterectomy, never have children, aggressive. I walked out in a daze, not sure of where I was going to go when suddenly Edward was by my side. He held me as I cried and I realized that I wouldn't need to tell him anything, Alice already had. I'm not sure how long we sat there as I cried until there was nothing left in me. Edward guided me to his car and held my hand as we drove home in silence. I looked out the window as I thought of my life to date, wondering if I would have changed anything, if there was anything that I regretted.

When we got home I told Edward that I needed to be alone and went up to our room. I saw the family waiting in the living room but I couldn't face them right now, I knew that Alice had already filled them in. Edward gave me a hug and a kiss before I went upstairs, holding me to him as tight as he dared and headed to talk to the family. As I laid on the bed thinking I could hear them downstairs moving around and talking in their low musical voices. I knew they were talking about what was the best thing to do giving the new circumstances in my life, I knew my humanity would be a central topic of discussion and suddenly it became clear to me. It was ironic to me that in Edward's quest to not steal away any of my human experiences he had stolen my life. I had given up a career, friends, my family, and a person who could love me physically the way I yearned to be loved. He had put himself firmly in control of what was best for me and I had accepted it as love without question. Every day I moved closer to death and that was the price he was willing to pay to ease his conscience.

As I was sorting through all of this there was a light knock on our door. He called my name gently and opened the door.

"Bella, we need to talk," he came over and held my hand. "We have been talking downstairs and think that we have a solution." I leaned my head to the side, wondering how the Cullen family had miraculously come up with the cure for cancer in the hour that they had been talking. "Bella, my love, we think that the best thing to do would be to change you."

My head shot up in surprise, change me, the thing that I had begged for for years on end before I had finally given up all hope. All it took was getting cancer to make them see the light; apparently they were willing to let me die just not this soon. Edward looked at me with a smile on his face, like he was giving me a present and all I had for him was one word.

"No!"

_More coming soon. Let me know what you are thinking so far. Thanks!_


	2. Pain

_AN – Thank you so much for the response to this story. Here is the next chapter. Like I said the story is already completely written so I should be updating daily._

_Thank you again._

_Hope you enjoy._

EPOV

It hurt me to see her in so much pain, if I could cry I would be crying with her as I held her to me. I had gotten here as soon as I could once Alice told me that she needed me. Her tears eventually ran dry and I led her to the car, wanting to carry her fragile human body in my arms, to take away her pain. The drive home was silent, I held her hand and waited for her to say something, anything but she just looked out the window, leaving me to worry about what she might be thinking. When we arrived at home she asked to be alone and that worried me more than anything else she might have done, Bella and I were inseparable and the fact that she didn't need me right now hurt me deeper than I would ever let her know. I gave her a hug and a kiss, desperately trying to read the emotions in her eyes before I reluctantly let her go. She went up to stairs to our room and I followed her every move until she closed the door and I turned to face my family. Their thoughts let me know that Alice had already filled them in on the situation at hand.

Sitting down with a sigh I faced them, their thoughts of concern clear. They all looked at me, waiting for me to talk first.

"Well you all obviously know what is going on with Bella," they all nodded their heads. I wasn't sure of the best way to approach this conversation. "I'm not sure how advanced it is but have the impression that it is rather severe," I looked at Alice who looked away quickly her face clearly distraught. "I haven't gotten much information from Bella but we need to discuss the best course of action."

"Is that really our decision to make, shouldn't we discuss this with Bella?" Esme never could escape her mothering tendencies.

"Of course we should but there are some things I want to discuss in her absence," everyone looked at me, questions running through their minds. "I think we need to discuss the possibility of changing her," the room was suddenly filled with thoughts of shock and surprise; this was the last thing they had expected; from me especially.

_It's about damn time, _Rosalie always to the point.

_Finally,_ Emmett sounded happy.

"Why now?" It was a simple question but a valid one and one that deserved to be asked.

"I can't bear to watch her die, can't bear to be without her, I am not strong enough to see her in pain knowing that there is a way I can help her to avoid it," Carlisle nodded, satisfied with my answer.

Alice kept her eyes down the entire conversation and that worried me, trying to read her mind only yielded Romeo and Juliet in Latin. I would worry about her avoidance later.

We all discussed the best possible way to approach the change, trying to determine if there was a way to avoid the pain, to make the transition easier for her. Carlisle and I agreed to talk more in depth later but for now I needed to check on Bella, to make sure that she was okay and I excused myself.

I couldn't wait to get upstairs and let Bella know what we had decided, she was going to be so excited. She had wanted this for so long and although I didn't want to take her life away, we all agreed that this was the only way, although from the families' thoughts they had all felt that way long ago. I just couldn't be that selfish, I couldn't take away Bella's humanity, her chance for a normal life. If she ever decided that she wanted more I wanted to be able to set her free, I loved her enough for that. Now everything was different though, I couldn't let her go through all of this and then still face the possibility of losing her. Although I knew it would happen one day I never dreamed it could possibly be so soon and under such circumstances.

I reached the door and wished once again that I could hear her thoughts, know what she was thinking right now. Knocking lightly I called her name and opened the door, brimming with excitement at the news I had for her. She was lying on the bed; the sadness in her eyes was heartbreaking to see. I sat next to her, smiling as I explained that we had come up with a solution, her head leaned to the side, questioning.

"Bella, my love, we think that the best thing to do would be to change you." Smiling down at her I reached for her hand, needing to feel her warmth, her happiness at my solution.

The look in her eyes was indecipherable; there was something there that I had never seen before. As I tried to determine the meaning there she finally responded, but her voice was lacking the happiness and the joy that I had been anticipating and it took a second for her simple no to register with me.

Shock and confusion filled me and I got down on the bed next to her, reaching under her chin so her eyes meet mine. Her eyes that were overfilled with tears and sadness and I couldn't understand if she had heard me correctly or not.

"Bella, my love, did you hear me?" I was truly getting scared by the look in her eyes, a look of resignation, like she was ready to die if necessary and it was like she had already given up.

"Yes," her voice shook, "after over a decade of pleading you are willing to change me, may I ask what changed your mind?"

"Bella," I gently caressed her face with my fingers, "I always thought I would be able to accept the time that we had together, every day with you is more than I could ever ask for. But I can't sit here and watch you in pain and know there is something I can do to stop it."

Something passed through her eyes, something quick that I couldn't understand and she sighed. "Edward, don't you know that every time you refuse to change me, to accept that I want to be with you for all eternity that you hurt me, I couldn't handle the rejection anymore so that is why I stopped asking." Tears were shining in her eyes and she was fighting to hold them back.

"Bella," I scrambled to find something to say to her, "it was never my intention to hurt you, I just couldn't be selfish as to….." she held her hand up, stopping me and I looked into her eyes that were filled with fury.

"Damn it Edward, do you know how many times I've hoped you would be selfish? How often I wished you would break this rigid control you have over yourself and throw aside your sense of morality. You may not want to be so selfish as to take away my so called human experiences but Edward can you seriously believe that I don't want more from you?" The anger emanating from her body was palpable. "If I were to die right now Edward it wouldn't be the human experiences that I would miss, it would be the vampire ones, never having you wrap your arms tightly around me, never truly kissing me, never making love to you; that has been all I've wanted since I met you, you forever." With that she broke down, her body heaving with the force of her tears and I sat there, not knowing what to do.

I placed a hand on her back, attempting to draw her to me so that I could comfort her and she flinched at my touch. Never in all the time that we have been together had Bella ever shied away from me and I knew that I had broken her and I wasn't sure what I could do to make things right again.

"Bella," I whispered her name, for the first time not sure what she wanted from me.

"Please Edward, please just leave me alone," I nodded, not trusting my voice to speak and walked out of the room. Walking downstairs I could tell that everyone was concerned, that they had heard the entire conversation and I couldn't bear to talk to them right now, didn't want to listen when Bella's hurt was so clear in my mind. I went to the door, walked outside and just started to run, attempting in vain to run away from the pain I had caused and try to figure out where we could go from here.

_Okay, the next chapter will be up tomorrow. Thanks again and let me know what you think._


	3. Decisions

_AN – Here I am…back again. Thank you so much for all the kind response to this story. Here is the next chapter and more will be going up tomorrow!_

_Hope you enjoy._

_I do not own these characters!_

BPOV

As soon as he left I instantly felt bad. It was unfair of me to lash out at him; he was only trying to help me, to support me. I was just so frustrated and tired of the unfairness of it all. It was true what I said, the pain I felt each and every time he denied changing me, it made me doubt what he felt for me, doubt that I was good enough for him. But I wasn't strong enough to leave, was willing to stay with him and take whatever I could get just to be able to breathe the same air as him. I took him in whatever capacity I could, never worrying that the sacrifices that I was making were too much. Until now, this afternoon caused me to gain a new perspective on things. I couldn't blame him, he had always been clear with his intentions on changing me, and I was the one who continued to push him who tried to get him to change his mind. It was my human weakness that caused it to still hurt me, even after all this time.

What had changed though, why when he was offering me what I had always wished for was it not enough anymore. Why was I pushing away what I had thought I had always wanted? Searching my soul for an answer the only thing I could come up with was pity. He wasn't changing me because he loved me, couldn't live without me, he just pitied my weak human body for not being able to give us more time, he wasn't ready to let go just yet so he was forced to this extreme. That was the last thing I wanted, to be an eternal reminder of pity and weakness so I couldn't agree to it, wouldn't.

My decision made I pushed myself up from the bed and suddenly there was a knock at the door. I should have known I wouldn't be able to do this quietly.

"Bella," Alice, how could I forget.

"Come in," I sat down and just let her wrap her arms around me.

"Oh Bella, please don't do anything hasty, please Bella." I couldn't look her in the eye, couldn't look at the pain that I knew I would see.

"Alice, please, I need to do this right now, I need some time to think, I need to see them," she nodded, understanding but not accepting.

"Please, don't do it this way, talk to us first, explain to him or it will kill him. You owe him that much," I was shamed, I did owe everyone that much.

"Give me a few minutes please and then get everyone together," she nodded and went out the door. I sat on the bed for a few more minutes and then went back to the closet and removed my suitcase and placed it on the bed. I left it there and went downstairs to face everyone.

As I walked down the stairs I could feel everyone's eyes on me and I couldn't bring myself to face the looks on their faces. I saw Edward sitting alone on his piano bench, looking down at the keys in front of him, looking defeated and I hated myself for making him feel this way. Walking over to him I rubbed my hand along his back as I sat next to him, placing a hand on either side of his face I pulled, letting him know that I wanted him to look at me. Looking deep in my eyes I mouthed "sorry" and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. I was physically incapable of being angry with him of feeling anything other than love. He held me tight and in his arms I felt comfort.

Grabbing his hand I stood up and went to the couch with him by my side, ready to face my family. Edward squeezed my hand and wrapped his other arm around my waist pulling me closer. He knew how I hated to be the center of attention, especially in a situation such as this.

"As you all know, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer today, from what I was able to understand it is rather advanced and I got the impression that treatment would be aggressive. I set up an appointment tomorrow to go over my options; I was in no state to do it this afternoon. Edward and Carlisle I would like if you would go with me, you obviously know much more about the treatment than I do."

"Of course my love," Edward kissed my hand and across the room Carlisle nodded.

"After the treatment is determined I have decided I need to leave for a while and visit my parents, explain to them in person what is going on," Edward looked apprehensive, knowing that he looked closer to 20 than 30 like me. "I need to go alone," I squeezed his hand hoping he would understand that we would talk about this later. By the look on his face I could tell it was going to be a difficult conversation. "Please understand that all the decisions I have made today have been extremely difficult ones and I haven't made them with out thinking of the impact that they will have."

"Can I ask you why?" There was no need to elaborate on what Emmett was referring to.

I took a deep breath, "I can't have my illness be the reason why. For me it always needed to be done out of love, not desperation." Tears overtook me and I could feel Edward's arm stiffen around my back at my response. Just as suddenly as I felt the stiffening it was gone and he wrapped his arms around me, his head resting on my shoulder. I couldn't tell if he was comforting me or seeking comfort for himself and so I wrapped my arms around him, enjoying as always the closeness of him.

Everyone attempted to look away, not wanting to intrude on our intimate moment but I caught Esme's eyes and couldn't ignore the emotion there. She never wanted me to grow older, she always considered me her daughter and wasn't willing to lose me. Trying to compose myself I pulled away gentle from Edward who immediately let me go.

"If there aren't any more questions I'd like to go upstairs and speak with Edward," everyone nodded and headed outside, trying to give us some privacy. Grasping Edward's hand tightly in mine I led him upstairs. He looked like a man lost at sea, desperately trying to find something to hold on to in order to stay afloat.

We got upstairs and I closed the door behind us, he just sat down on the bed, waiting for me to speak.

"Edward," he looked up at me, his eyes portraying the sadness he was trying to keep from his face. "Edward, please say something."

He took a deep breath and dropped his face in his hands, "I don't know what to say Bella, looking back I can see every move I made that I shouldn't have, every chance that I had an opportunity to make things right but I ignored them. Yet with all my mistakes, with all my rejection you stayed with me, by my side, never giving up on me and what has it gotten you? You've gotten older, you've missed out on opportunities because you couldn't risk exposing us, and we've never even consummated our marriage,"I looked down blushing, "all because I didn't want to be selfish. Instead I have proved to be even more selfish by denying you the only thing you have ever wanted from me. What kind of monster am I?" A strangled cry escaped from his chest.

"Edward, look at me," he shook his head, "please Edward, please look at me." He looked up and the pain in his eyes could no longer be hidden, he hated himself for what he had done to me. "Edward, you can't take all the blame, I've been a willing participant this whole time. I was willing to take anything you would give me just so I could be by your side, I love you so much." I tried to stay composed. "Edward, I've never thought I was good enough for you," he was shaking his head, disagreeing vehemently with my statement, "I know it was foolish but when people look at you they can't believe their eyes, even 12 years later you still dazzle me Edward. I always hoped that if you changed me I could look like someone who should stand next to you, who deserved you. I always hoped that if you changed me it would prove that you couldn't live without me either. I know it's foolish, I know you love me with all your heart but I just wanted you to love me enough to never have to deal with losing me."

"Bella, what have I done?" If tears were a possibility for him he would have been sobbing at this point, he was heartbroken at my words. "Please, please understand I've always wanted to be with you forever, I just never wanted you to resent me for taking away your life."

"How could I resent you, you are my life Edward," I sat down next to him and just cried, letting every emotion of the past years leave my body. He pulled me into his lap and just cradled me, placing kissing on my hair, letting me cry.

"Please Bella, please let me do this for you," he whispered after my last tear had fallen. "It isn't the act of a desperate man; it's the act of a man who loves you with every fiber of his being, a man who is nothing without you by his side."

Looking up at him I shook my head, sad that I couldn't give him what he wanted. "I just can't Edward, I don't know why but I can't have this be the reason. I need to see this through, this is the path my life has taken and I need to follow it." He nodded sadly; he had never able to deny me anything. "Please understand that I love you, love you more than I will ever be able to articulate and I'm not doing this to hurt or punish you," I leaned down and kissed him, kissed him with all the longing, desire and love I had always had for him, that I always would. His lips were urgent against mine, his hands roaming my body, covering every inch of me.

I knew the exact moment when his control took over again, when he realized he was going too far and he moved away from me. "Bella, we can't I'll hurt you," I knew he was remembering our honeymoon, when he lost control and had hurt me, he never allowed me to be at risk again. No matter how many times I had tried to convince him that we could make it work he was not willing to put me in harms way.

"Edward, please for once in your life lose control, please," I was pleading with him.

He sighed, "I can't Bella, I can't take that chance."

Getting off his lap I stood up and walked to my suitcase, not trusting myself to speak. I went to the closet and just started packing my clothes, getting ready to face my parents.

"Bella," he came to my side, removing the clothes from my hand, "I'm sorry."

"Yes, you've been telling me that a lot lately. Edward, if tomorrow we get the news that my chances aren't very good I want you to promise me something." He nodded at me, willing to give me almost anything. "I want you to promise to make love to me; I need to have you promise that you'll do that for me."

He didn't look surprised at what I had asked, "I promise Bella," he pulled me to him and just held me. I was amazed he hadn't put up a fight at all but I figured he was just optimistic about my diagnosis and it would be a mute issue. Whatever the reason I appreciated his agreement. We lay down on the bed together, just needing to be near one another and he rubbed my back and started to hum my lullaby and within seconds I was out.

_This story was not the most fun I have ever had writing but it is one of my favorites. Hope you liked this chapter and more coming tomorrow morning._

_Thanks again._


	4. Diagnosis

_AN – Sorry this is going up later than I anticipated. It's been a busy day. Enjoy and the next chapter will be up tomorrow._

_Thank you to all of those who have reviewed and put this on alert and favorites. I am terribly behind in responding to reviews but I will get to them._

_I do not own these characters!_

EPOV

I laid there watching her sleep, so vulnerable, so breakable. She still seemed clueless as to how fragile she truly was. My head kept replaying our last few conversations over and over again and I couldn't help but feel despair at how inconceivably stupid I had been over the past few years. No matter how hard I tried to prevent it I always managed to hurt Bella somehow. My mind drifted to our honeymoon, it should have been the happiest time of our life. She had wanted to try to consummate our marriage, against my better judgment I had agreed to try. It was the single most horrifying experience in my life. There we were in our honeymoon suite in Greece, overlooking the sparkling blue water. The candles were lit, we had champagne, flowers, everything I could do to make this moment special. She had come out of the bathroom in a flowing white robe and a matching silk nightgown, she took my breath away. Walking to me I could see the desire in her eyes and knew that mine were ebony with my need for her. Stopping in front of me I couldn't stop my hands from rubbing up and down her body, wanting to feel every inch of her like I had never allowed myself before. I pulled her down next to me and kissed her lips, her neck, her arms; every exposed area that my mouth could reach. Her breathing was ragged and I knew I was making her feel as aroused as I was. When I rubbed my hand down the front of her she sighed my name and something inside me snapped, I wanted her and I wanted her now. I pushed her to her back and came over her, kissing her fiercely, my hands wandering freely. Without thinking I laid on top of her, almost allowing my full body weight to rest upon her when I suddenly heard the sickening snap and that cleared my head instantly. She tried to protest when I jumped off the bed and away from her but the pain of her broken ribs stopped her from following me. Yet even after that incident she still wanted me, wasn't afraid of me, she never ceased to amaze me.

From that moment on though I refused to try again, until now, I couldn't deny her this if she was dying and I wouldn't hurt her again, I had already inflicted too much pain on her. How had I never noticed how much she was hurting, how had I never realized what I was doing to her? I'd spend every day from here on out showing her what she truly meant to me, showing her that I couldn't live without her.

The morning came and she started to move around, her sleep was amazingly quiet and peaceful. I had hoped she would say something, anything to help me in order to make this right. She opened her eyes and smiled at me before pulling me closer to her; she placed a gentle kiss on my lips and got out of bed. I followed her with my eyes as she closed the bathroom door and once again I wished for just the smallest glimpse into her mind. Pushing myself up I knew that I had to get ready for her doctor's appointment. I knew I needed to be strong for her and give her whatever support she needed.

The drive to the doctor was a silent one, all of us lost in our own thoughts, Carlisle hoping that it wasn't as severe as Bella had thought coming up with a list of questions in his mind. I just watched Bella as I held her hand, sitting in the back seat next to her. She just sat and looked at the window, her face devoid of any emotion. When we arrived at the doctor I helped her out of the car and wrapped my arm around here, holding her close, hoping that with my protection nothing bad could happen to her.

We sat in the waiting room, everyone keeping their distance from us as we sat on either side of Bella on the couch. When we were called back Bella took a deep breath and grabbed my hand, holding it in a death grip, I could see the fear in her eyes as we were shown back to her doctor's office. I could hear the doctor's voice as we approached, _so young such a shame,_ and I knew that the news wasn't good.

"Good morning Bella," she smiled up at her.

"Good morning Dr. Maher, thank you for meeting with me this morning, this is my father in law Carlisle and my husband Edward," I could see the momentary confusion cross her face as she noticed our age difference but I didn't care.

"Thank you both so much for coming today, I know this is a lot to take in and I'd be happy to answer any questions that you may have," we all just nodded our heads. "Bella as we discussed yesterday your lab tests show that you have cervical cancer and it is quite advanced, you've been diagnosed at Stage III," and with that I ran through the information in my mind and realized that Bella was indeed very sick. I could see the same realization dawn on Carlisle's face, the statistics ran through my mind – possible kidney damage, 40% -43% survival rate; chemotherapy, radiation – and I just held onto her as tight as I dared too. She looked at me when I had tightened my arm and she could read it on my face, my fear of losing her.

Bella was amazingly calm when she spoke, "What are my options? Where do we go from here?"

"Our first step would be surgery, at this point I would recommend a hysterectomy and we will determine the extent of the cancer at that time," Bella nodded her head, "I'm sorry, I know you are so young and would probably want children some day but there are other options." A single tear fell upon her cheek and I gently wiped it away. "Do you have any questions?" I appreciated the doctor's compassion for Bella.

Bella shook her head and broke down, instantly my arms were around her, giving her all the comfort I was capable of. I heard Carlisle asking questions, getting the necessary information that we would discuss with Bella later. The rest of the appointment passed in a blur, I just held Bella, knowing that Carlisle would fill me in later. When it was time to go we all shook the doctor's hand and walked out the door. Bella still wasn't talking and we drove once again in silence. We got home and Bella and I ignored everyone and just went up to our room. I closed the door behind us and waited for her to say something, anything.

"Be honest Edward," her voice startled me, "how bad is it?"

"Quite bad Bella, it all depends on what they find when they perform surgery," walking over to her I pulled her closer to me, "it's not the highest stage but it is close. You know that I will be here for you every step of the way."

"Thank you for you honesty and for being here for me. After everything I said to you yesterday, thank you," how could she even think that what she said would push me away? If anything it made me more protective of her, knowing that I couldn't stop the danger that was inside of her.

"Bella, nothing you could say to me would ever stop me from loving you, from wanting to be here for you, please understand that," she nodded her head and just leaned against me. After some time had passed she stood up and went over to her suitcase again.

"Are you sure you want to do this alone? I can go with you," I couldn't imagine her facing her parents alone, breaking this news.

"How do I explain your lack of aging Edward? You look exactly the same as the day we were married, while they may not have noticed it a couple of years ago I doubt that they will miss it now." I tried to think of a valid argument but could come up with nothing.

"We'll think of something to say Bella, some way to explain it, please I don't want you to do this alone."

"I'd like having you there Edward; I don't think I can do this without you," and that was enough for me, she needed me, wanted me by her side and I was grateful.

"When do you want to go?" I didn't want to pressure her about anything.

"Tonight if possible, I honestly just want to get this out of the way," she sighed and sat down again. "I'm going to call later on today to schedule my surgery," I sat down next to her, pulling her close to me and kissed her on the top of her head. "Why don't you lie down for a little while, I'll finish packing okay?" She nodded and put her head on the pillow.

I finished getting us both packed up and went downstairs to make the flight reservations after I was sure that she was resting. Everyone was sitting downstairs talking to Carlisle and they looked up when I entered the room. Alice ran to my side.

"Please Edward, please make her change her mind," then looking into her mind I saw it all, everything that I didn't want to accept but knew and I closed my eyes and tried to close my mind.

"I can't force her Alice, the roles are reversed now, she was never able to force me before and now I am paying for my stubbornness." Looking up no one wanted to meet my eyes, everyone just sat there, staring at their hands but their thoughts were filled with Bella. Rosalie was especially angry in her thoughts which surprised me considering the fact that she never wanted Bella to choose this life. I couldn't help staring at her as I processed her fury.

"Edward, you know this is never the kind of life I would choose for anyone but Bella made her choice years ago when she decided to marry you and live with us. She wanted you so badly that she has given up everything to be with you Edward. You both are obviously in love but both too stubborn to say what you really want, can you honestly tell me that in all these years it wouldn't have been easier on you, on all of us if she was a vampire?" Her anger had turned to sadness. "Edward it's hard to watch you two every day knowing the limitations you have set for yourselves, you're both holding back so much, your relationship could be so much more if you were equals, Bella has always known that."

"ENOUGH!" I was past the point of defending the past, it didn't matter anymore, I couldn't change it and I had to face each day that we had together and make the most of it. Perhaps when…if…we got through all of this then she would be willing to be changed and I wouldn't hesitate anymore. "Enough already everyone, I admit Bella and I have made mistakes in our relationship but we are moving on, now isn't the time to dwell on the past, it can't be changed and we have enough to worry about. I love Bella and I will be here for her every step of the way, forever! However long that happens to be," I stormed out of the room.

Walking outside I used my phone to arrange for flights back home to Forks and then to Florida and then I planned an extra few days for Bella and I alone, knowing that we needed some time by ourselves with the distractions being here brought. Ignoring everyone I walked back in the house and went straight to our room, Bella was still sleeping and I watched here, it never got old for me. She turned over and my name escaped her lips and I went to her and just held her, hoping that somehow we would make it through this.

_Next chapter they head out to tell Bella's parents and Edward has a special surprise for her._

_Thanks again._


	5. Surprise

_AN – Okay, I am back again. Thank you again, I am really going to work on responding to your reviews but please know that I read every one of them and they make my day. Just working on four stories at once here so trying to keep it all straight._

_Here we find out a bit more about Edward's surprise._

_I do not own these characters!_

BPOV

I woke up in Edward's arms and momentarily forgot everything that was wrong with my life at the moment. How could things be so bad if he was here with me? He smiled down at me, sorrow still evident in his eyes and suddenly it all came back to me. Why, I wondered couldn't I just take his offer and be with him forever, it was all I ever wanted but I just knew that I couldn't. Kissing him gently I pulled myself close to him, enjoying the feeling of his icy body next to mine. Finally I knew I couldn't put it off any longer and reached for my purse and my phone to make the phone call I had been dreading.

He didn't say a word, just held me while I dialed, ready to offer me whatever I should need. My fingers trembled as I dialed the numbers and my voice shook when someone answered. It was over quickly, funny how such a life altering moment could be planned in the blink of an eye. I looked at the piece of paper in my hand; I had eight days; eight days until this was no longer just a bad dream.

"I made reservations, we leave tonight for Forks," I just nodded, not trusting myself to speak right now. Edward understood and didn't push me. "I'm going downstairs to let everyone know and then we can head out to the airport okay," another nod and he gently kissed me and walked out the door. I didn't move an inch the entire time that he was gone and was unsure of how much time had passed until he walked back in the door.

"Are you ready to go?" He grabbed our luggage and looked at me; I could tell he was worried.

"Um…..yes. Just let me tell everyone goodbye okay." He walked behind me as we headed downstairs, everyone was waiting for us; I tried to avoid their eyes because if I looked at the emotion there I would never survive this.

With hugs and promises to call later on we headed out the door. Edward put the luggage in the trunk and quickly opened my door for me and was in his seat before I even had my seat belt on.

"You okay?" his eyes searched mine.

"I don't know," my emotions were all over the place, I was on information overload; my fragile grip on my sanity was close to breaking.

"You don't have to be brave for me Bella, you've done that enough in our lives, let me in, let me know what you need," he held my face in his hands, rubbing his fingers along my cheek.

"Just you Edward, here by my side, please just stay with me," I don't know when the tears started but I felt their warmth sliding down my face before Edward wiped them away with his fingers.

"I'll be here forever, you never need to ask," after he wiped the last tear away he started the car and we drove to the airport. His hand never strayed from mine and he hardly took his eyes off my face. We checked in and headed to our terminal, as the plane filled we sat in our first class seats and I worried about how I would break the news to Charlie, how would he take this. I had thought numerous times in the past about how Charlie would feel after I had been changed, how he would take the news of my death but I had always been comforted by the fact that I could check on him, make sure that he was okay. I never realized how much that simple fact meant to me. Renee had Phil and although I knew my absence would break her heart I knew she would survive it much better than Charlie would.

The plane landed and there was a car waiting for us to take us to the Cullen's house. It was rather late and I was going to wait until tomorrow to call Charlie. He would immediately be suspicious if I called tonight to tell him that I was in town and I wasn't ready to face that conversation tonight. Not quite ready for bed despite the exhaustion that had set in I headed to the front room and sat on the couch, surprising Edward.

"Can we just watch a movie please," I don't want to have to think, don't want to talk; just want to pretend like things are normal." He smiled and nodded.

"Pick out a movie, I'll be right back," with that he was gone. Suddenly the kitchen was filled with the sound of popcorn popping and I smiled, he was always so thoughtful. When he came back in he was carrying a huge bowl and a drink for me, he set it down on the table next to us and sat on the couch next to me, opening his arms and inviting me to sit down with him. I curled in next to him, regardless of his temperature in his arms I always felt warm when I was with him. The movie started and we sat there, my body resting against him and all I focused on was being here with him, the rest would work itself out somehow but for now this was what I wanted, what I needed.

Apparently I was more tired than I had originally thought because the next thing I remembered was Edward carrying me upstairs to our room. He laid me down gently, not wanting to disturb me and then wrapped me in a blanket and wrapped his arms around me and I drifted off to sleep again.

The next morning I awoke and Edward was gone, I got out of bed quickly searching for him and that was when I heard him at the piano, playing something I had never heard him play before, it was haunting. Coming up behind him I seemed to surprise him which never happens with Edward. He looked up at me, smiling a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"What was that?"

"Just something I'm working on, just trying some things out," he looked down at his fingers, still on the keys.

"It sounded so sad, are you okay?" I walked behind him, rubbing his back, not that there would be any tension but wanting to try to comfort him.

"I'm just scared, scared of losing you, scared that I have missed my chance of making you happy, that in not taking your life I ended up ruining ours," his head hung down and I couldn't keep doing this over and over again.

"No more Edward, no more dwelling on our mistakes and making ourselves miserable. The past is the past, I love our life even with the regrets, it's our life and I wouldn't change it. It's time to look to our future, telling my parents, the surgery, recovery, that is our focus now and then we will go on with our lives."

He nodded, "Okay, Bella, our future that is what matters, our past is just that, the past. I love you and we will get through this."

I smiled, my first true smile since this whole thing had started yesterday. With one last hug I walked over to the phone to call Charlie. He was surprised to hear that I was in town but quickly agreed to meet with me. I told him we were on our way and took a deep breath as I headed to the garage, Edward following me.

It went better than I thought it would, telling my parents about my illness. There was the expected tears, the denial, the anger but I had the support that I knew I would, the offers to be there by my side to do anything they could to help me/us fight this. Edward stayed by my side the entire time, everyone too distracted by the news to study him and ask any questions. He was my pillar of support that I needed in order to get through this. Every night he held me in his arms and with him I felt safe, secure, powerful, and I knew that together we could fight this; with him by my side I could overcome anything.

All too quickly the visits with my parents were over, a blur of airports, tears and sadness. I knew that now reality was looming. We boarded yet another plane and I noticed that we weren't heading back home and looked at Edward in confusion.

"A surprise for you my love, I thought we could use some alone time before we headed back," always so thoughtful that husband of mine, always so willing to give me more than I deserved.

"Thank you," words couldn't describe the joy I felt at that moment, the utter amazement that he was all mine. He knew me better than I knew myself and understood that I just wanted to be with him, my rock for a while without the interruptions, without the accusations, without the looks, just him and me.

We boarded the plane and I didn't even look at where we were going, didn't even listen to the announcement. I wanted to be surprised, to just enjoy what he was giving to me for once, not fight it ever step of the way. Looking at his face it was the happiest I had seen him in over a day and I wanted to savor that, take it in and remember it.

The plane landed and I could see true excitement in his eyes as we exited. I still had no clue where we were but I didn't care. Once again a car was waiting for us and I looked out the windows of the town car trying to determine where we had landed. Nothing looked familiar as I looked around so I didn't worry about it and just focused on Edward. He looked so serene sitting next to me, like he truly wanted to focus on the here and now and not dwell, for Edward this was amazing, he always overanalyzed ever single action in our lives, it was nice to see him relaxed.

"So, where are we?" With the simple act of his smile he dazzled me; his happiness did amazing things to me.

"We're in the Bahamas, I rented us a private house on the beach," it sounded perfect to me.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" he smiled at me, but he couldn't completely hide the sorrow in his eyes at my comment.

The car pulled up to a mansion, no other houses appeared to be close by. Edward leaned forward and informed the driver that we would let ourselves out but to please just bring the luggage into the entry of the home and be back in three days. He placed a bundle of bills in the driver's seat and we walked out. Edward let us out and carried me to the house.

"Wow, carrying my in, I can walk you know," I laughed.

"I know, I know, but that wouldn't be right, after all this is our second honeymoon, no walking over any threshold for you," he kissed me, it was a hungry kiss, a fervent kiss. Realization slowly dawned on me, second honeymoon, what exactly did this mean. The first one had ended in disaster and I couldn't imagine him wanting to relive those memories.

"Second honeymoon?" I tried to keep my voices steady but I knew that my erratic heartbeat was betraying me.

"Yes Bella, to everything. I don't want your only memories of a honeymoon to be pain and rejection, I want you to have the happy memories you deserve." His lips were on mine again and I closed my eyes. All thoughts were lost; I just wanted to enjoy what he was giving to me.

I could feel the sensation of walking upstairs and I didn't open my eyes until we had stopped. We were in a room, painted a very light blue, empty except for the large wrought iron bed against a wall and a dresser. There was a balcony from which you could see the endless view of the ocean, it was stunning. He watched my face, wondering at my reaction and I smiled, a glorious, blissful smile, the smile that only he was ever capable of putting on my face.

"Are you sure Edward?" He simply nodded and placed me gently on the bed. We heard the door closing downstairs and knew that we were alone. My stomach was twisting in anticipation of what was coming. I wondered why now but why I didn't care enough to utter the question out loud.

He stood up and his eyes took in every inch of my body, a body that had always been open to him but that he had refused to acknowledge until this moment. I just stood still, looking up at him, shivering with desire for him.

"Bella, you have to let me know if I hurt you again," the worried look was starting to take over and I had to distract him before he started to over think things.

"Edward, don't think, just do," I leaned forward kissing him, trying to convey thru my lips what I wanted and needed from him, "please Edward, let go."

No other words needed to be said he was suddenly next to me on the bed, exploring me with his fingers. I was surprised to find that they were trembling slightly and that only served to excite me even more. He was always so firmly in control of every aspect of his self, it was so frustrating. But to know that I could do this to him, it made me feel dangerous like him.

It was everything we had hoped for on our honeymoon but more. He was cautious but loving, attentive, intuitive. We were one finally; whole, complete, undivided. I mourned for the years that we had lost, but looked forward to our future and the infinite possibilities it now held. The next three days were spent alternating between enjoying the water, sand and sun and getting lost in each others embrace. The time spent here was the highlight of our lives and we were sad when it was time to head back to the lives we had managed to forget for a few days. No word was uttered the entire time on the island about my impending surgery but as we got closer and closer to home we both could feel the weight pulling our shoulders down, forcing us to face the reality of yet another fight we had left to face.

_Hope you enjoyed that. The next few chapters are a bit rough so just a warning. More coming tomorrow and thanks again for reading._


	6. Chapter 6

_AN – Here is the next chapter. I will try to update again tomorrow._

_I do not own these characters!_

EPOV

I had done it, had made love to Bella, we both survived, we both reveled in the feelings. A small part of me understood what we had missed, what I had denied us these past years but it wasn't worth thinking about. I was only going to enjoy the here and the now, the feelings that she brought me that I never knew I was capable of feeling. Knowing the entire time that there was a small part of me that felt guilty, guilty because I knew the true reasons why I choose to do this hear and now. I could see the instant that the question flashed through her eyes but I didn't have the heart to tell her. I didn't have the heart to tell her that now was the right time because after this she would be too sick, too sick to want anything from me other than comfort. This could be our last opportunity to be physical

I didn't want to wallow in regret, regret that it had taken me so long to get to this place, regret about the possibility that I could never get the opportunity again. The passion I had felt for her amazed me, but I was more amazed by the selfless way she gave her self to me, not a single doubt, not a single fear so willing to give me everything, I only had to ask. It made me feel blind, blind to what was so obvious to everyone else. Bella would never miss being human as long as I was with her.

The closer we got to home the more prominent her apprehension became. Her smile was a little less bright, her eyes a little sadder but they still sparkled when she looked at me. Our bond was closer if that was even possible after the days we had just shared together. Her happiness was infectious on the island and it was the time of our lives, I let everything go and just focused on us. But now reality was impending on the little bubble we had surrounded ourselves with.

As our car pulled up to the house she let out a deep sigh and I squeezed her hand. I was hoping the past few days we had spent together had helped to repair out relationship somewhat, helped to remind her that despite my actions that may seem otherwise, that I loved her, with everything that I was I loved her and needed her by my side. I came to her side and opened her door, before she had even registered the open door my lips were on hers. Her reaction was instant, the heart quickening, the blood rushing to her cheeks, the utter warmth. The blood pulsing beneath her skin beckoned me and I drew away. I knew that before this evening I would need to hunt, need that extra protection before I had her in our bed again. I wasn't going to waste any time that we did have, wasn't going to resist her temptation any more; wasn't going to deny her.

She needed a moment to compose herself again. I could feel my family's impatience growing the longer we stood outside but I didn't care. All that mattered was Bella's comfort, everything else was secondary. When she was ready we walked up together, my arm wrapped around her waist, wanting as much of our bodies in contact with each other as possible, never wanting to not feel her warmth next to me.

Everyone was waiting for us as soon as we walked in the door. Their minds racing as it became obvious as to what we had spent the last few days doing. No amount of showering could erase our scents off one another and while Bella was oblivious I knew better than to doubt their knowledge. I just hoped that no one would embarrass her. I would personally take care of anyone who hurt her.

_Wow little brother, it's about time _I didn't even look in Emmett's direction to acknowledge his comment.

_I started to see something but didn't believe it was true, _Alice showed me much more than I wanted anyone to see in her mind.

"Come on Bella, we'll have time to talk later, you must be tired after our trip," she looked at me oddly then just nodded. She hugged everyone before she headed up stairs and promised to be down to talk soon.

We walked in the room and she sat on the bed, patting the area next to her, I come over to her.

"What was that about? They know what we've been doing the past three days don't they," her face instantly turned pink and she looked down at her hands. I just nodded, not wanting to say anything to embarrass her further. "You know, I don't care, even I can hear what they do night after night, why shouldn't we be able to?" With that she kissed me, it was full of longing, fear and desperation. I could tell that she was getting worried about the surgery in two days and wanted to feel alive and free.

I laid her down on the bed and lay on my side next to her. Gently I touched her face, tracing every feature with my fingertips, never wanting to forget an inch of her, never wanting to let go of her. I brought my face to her neck and inhaled; her scent still so powerful to me, so potent and yet somehow she survived. I kissed her there and moved up towards her mouth, placing tiny kisses as I went along. Enjoying the reactions that only I could get from her, she only wanted me and that knowledge filled me with pride.

We continued where we had left off on the island and I could tell that she was relieved, relieved that I would still want her once we got home, that it wasn't just a glorious illusion. I tried to show her with my body what she wouldn't believe with my words, the utter bliss she brought to my life. We lay together for a while afterwards, talking quietly until she drifted off to sleep and I showered and headed downstairs, readying myself to face my family.

Walking downstairs I tried to gauge what I would be facing and it was better than I had expected.

Esme was the first to approach me, "Oh Edward, I'm so happy for the two of you, I knew you couldn't hurt her," I mentally added again to the end of the sentence.

"Thanks Esme," I hugged her and went to sit down and face the inquisition. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have such a close loving family but sometimes there was such a thing as too close. I had never been as open with these things as everyone else was willing to be.

"So, how did your trip go?" Leave it to Carlisle to try to change the subject.

"As well as could be expected, given the circumstances. Her parents are distraught over the news and are still absorbing it," I recalled the heartbreak in their thoughts that they tried to hide from Bella.

"Were they suspicious at all?" Carlisle voiced the concerns that they all had.

"Their minds were questioning but all was quickly forgotten once Bella started talking, I didn't detect any reason to be concerned."

Everyone nodded their heads, relief clear on their faces and in their thoughts.

"So….." I knew where this was going to be going so I tried to prepare myself as I turned towards Emmett. Everyone was waiting, their breath held, wanting to know as well.

"Yes," I could make this easy or hard and I decided to go the hard route.

"Come on Edward, you know what we want," everyone stared intently at me, anticipating my answer.

"Yes, after we went to visit her parents I took her away for a few days. A second honeymoon before all of this overtakes our lives." I didn't need to elaborate on what I had meant.

"I think that that was a great idea, I'm sure Bella appreciated it," Esme's happiness was radiating from her.

_I'm sure she really appreciated it,_ Emmett laughed.

Without thinking I growled at him. He held up his hands.

"Take it easy Edward, we're all happy for you two, it's been long enough," he rolled his eyes. "I'm not even sure how you have managed to wait so long, even with your infamous self control."

I willed myself to calm down, knowing that it wouldn't make it easier on Bella later if I was upset over this whole exchange.

"Look everyone, she knows that you know and she is embarrassed of course. Just take it easy on her please, she has enough to worry about right now," everyone nodded and I felt relieved.

"I have one more thing to discuss before I go and check on her," Alice looked sad, knowing what was coming. "I think it is for the best if Bella and I get our own place after her surgery," all the complaints started at once and I held up my hand to stop everyone. "Please hear me out first, we don't want to get away from you but she is having major surgery and there will be blood loss and an incision that will take time to heal. It is unfair to put any of you in that position and it would be safer for her to be away from the house."

"That is an excellent idea Edward but you will need some help too, you can't be expected to handle the smell day after day without a break, no one has that kind of strength." I knew that Carlisle would be able to logical about this.

"Yes, I would need help but I can't have everyone exposed to this, it's not fair to anyone." He nodded.

"I will come and stay with you too, Esme if she can handle it," she agreed quickly.

"Thank you everyone for understanding," I turned to head back upstairs when someone stopped me.

"Seriously Edward, is she okay?" Emmett while happy for us was concerned about her; he had always been close to Bella.

"From the past few days, yes she is fine. Health wise, no, she is very sick Emmett and I don't know what the future holds." He just put his head down and walked away. Everyone was too afraid to admit what losing Bella would do to our family and didn't want to accept it as a possibility. They were all trying to stay as optimistic as possible and didn't even let the word death enter their minds.

When I walked into the room Bella was just starting to wake up. I watched her silently as she slowly woke up, the way she stretched and yawned was a sight to behold. I wanted to snatch her up and go far away, away from the reality that loomed, away from the pain she would face, I wanted to hold her and never have to let her go.

She saw me watching and smiled. Then a sad look passed over her face.

"What's wrong love?" I tried to read her face as I walked closer to her.

"Just thinking, thinking about how wonderful the last few days were and knowing the reason behind them." Waiting, but not wanting to know where she was going with this I just stood there.

"Edward, I've known you long enough to know that you wouldn't make love to me unless you were worried that you wouldn't have another opportunity," she looked down at her hands, "I'm not regretting what we did, not in the least, just worried about the reasons behind them."

"Bella, you know me too well. I wanted to make it special, to make it everything it wasn't the first time around. I didn't want to wait and possibly miss the chance to show you my love for you, wait until you were too sick to enjoy it. I'm just sorry I waited so long," the tears started to form in her eyes and I wondered how I always ended up hurting her, she was so loving and compassionate and yet I always managed to go out of my way to hurt her.

"I figured as much, I'm sorry you waited so long also but I will always cherish those memories," she walked over to me and hugged me then kissed me gently. "I love you," she whispered and walked away to the bathroom.

She stopped before she closed the door and looked me, a small smile on her face, "Edward, just so you know, while I haven't always thought that I deserved you I have never doubted that you loved me, please understand that." With that she closed the door.

Standing there, staring after her I felt relief, relief that she had never doubted my love for her. I couldn't help but wonder though if love would be enough to save her.

_Hope you enjoyed that. The next few chapters are a bit rough so just a warning. More coming tomorrow and thanks again for reading._


	7. Where Do We Go From Here?

_AN – This is a fairly long chapter. It takes us through the days before her surgery and her actually surgery._

_Thank you again to everyone who is reading this and reviewing it. Although I am terribly behind I am working on responding still._

BPOV

The next two days went by too fast. Faster than I wanted them to because with every second that ticked by that meant I was closer to surgery, closer to finding out how much was truly wrong with me. At the moment I could enjoy a state of blissful ignorance. I spent every waking moment with Edward, trying to just enjoy these last few hours of normalcy, well as normal as life with a vampire could be. For some reason I was expecting the worse, was only optimistic to a point. Perhaps because every time Alice glanced my way I noticed the sadness in her eyes. I noticed the way Edward never quite wanted to be away from my side, he was always there. While to some extent this was normal, we never did feel whole without each other there was an air of difference about it.

I didn't ask questions though. I honestly didn't want to know, didn't want to acknowledge that what I was facing would be more serious than expected. I didn't want to believe that fate could be so cruel to me, like I was some huge cosmic joke. First off I was abnormally clumsy, of all people in the world to fall in love with I find Edward who is perfect with just that pesky vampire issue, then my husband doesn't want me as an equal until I get sick (no dwelling) and then cancer, and now I risk leaving my husband to an eternity of loneliness. No pressure there of course, it was either being changed and have eternal happiness or refuse, die, and abandon Edward. I still couldn't quite explain why I was being so stubborn, why it meant so much to me to hold onto my humanity at a time like this.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward look concerned. Damn, I forgot he was watching me, always watching me.

"Just thinking about tomorrow," I knew that would distract him, as bad as that was I couldn't admit to what I was actually thinking. He had thankfully not brought up changing me again, Edward would never willing upset me and he was going to respect my wishes on this matter, no matter how much it hurt him.

"I have a surprise for you tonight if that is okay," I nodded, surprises still weren't my favorite thing in the world but with Edward as a husband it was something you got used to. He never missed the opportunity to show me how much he loved me. I think that perhaps that is why it hurt me so bad when he refused to change me. He pulled out all the stops to show his love except for the one thing I had always wanted the most. Deep down I knew we should talk more, that by avoiding the issue we were solving nothing but I didn't want to ruin what we had now.

"Of course," sitting down next to him I couldn't help but sigh, it always just felt right.

He looked down at me, the sadness there; it was always present in his eyes now. I knew that he tried to hide it from me but I knew him too well.

"Bella?" it was amazing how many questions a single word could hold. His eyes searched mine, looking for something. Something he didn't appear to be finding judging by the look in his eyes.

"What?" I said it so softly I barely heard myself but I knew that he would.

"Are you sure? Are you sure that you want to do this tomorrow?" He didn't have to elaborate on why he was asking. I imagine to him it was the sensible option that I should be taking.

"I don't know anymore, I don't know what the best answer is. I thought I wanted something for so long and now that it is being offered to me I don't know why I just can't say yes." He looked at me, his ancient eyes filled with sorrow. "The worst part of this is that I know that I am hurting you," tears came quickly now, blurring my vision. I dropped my face into my hands.

"Bella, please don't worry about hurting me, please don't let that influence your decision. If hurt was the deciding factor than I should have changed you a long time ago. I've been hurting you for over a decade without even realizing how deeply."

"I didn't think we were supposed to be talking about this anymore," I just wanted to avoid this topic, move on from here.

"Bella, honestly I don't think we are solving anything by avoiding it," he picked me up and pulled me onto his lap. "If I ask you something will you answer me honestly?"

Not sure of how to respond but knowing I couldn't deny him anything I just nodded. I hoped that it wouldn't be a question that would be too hard to answer but I knew that the chances were against it.

"Why?" One word, one simple word yet the answer was not even close to simple.

"Edward, do we have to do this?" I really didn't think it was necessary to keep rehashing the past.

"I just want to know why Bella, why after all I put you through, rejection after rejection, why you stayed with me. I would have understood if you wanted to leave, wouldn't have stopped you." The pain as he said those words was evident in his eyes.

"Edward, I've told you this before; there is nothing you could say or do to me that would stop me from loving you. Does that mean you can't hurt me, no, not at all but even if you were to leave me I would still love you? We were destined for each other from the first moment that we met, nothing could keep us apart. I'm not complete without you. Why did I never say anything to you about how much it hurt me? Honestly, I didn't want to hurt you when I knew it wouldn't make a difference anyway. I learned to live with the hurt and tried to justify it to myself. To understand that you weren't rejecting me because you didn't love me but because you thought you were doing what was best for me. It hurt that you didn't trust me enough to make my own decision but I thought I understood where you were coming from."

"There's more than that though Bella, I wouldn't even touch you beyond my barriers I had set for myself. I didn't even think to make you feel good because I feared hurting you too much to even attempt it. How could you accept that? After these past few days I'm sorry doesn't even began to cover the remorse I feel for not taking full advantage of the intimacy we could have been having in our relationship."

"Edward, although I may not always agree with your methods I understand them. Understand that you only have my best interests at heart. Your intentions are usually selfless in your mind," I sighed, not sure what else there was to say. "Edward, I think we've always tried so hard to please each other that we weren't always selfish enough. We were always so worried about the impact of our actions that we never forced our own desires to be known. I don't think that makes us horrible people, just naïve. We were each others first love, we didn't know any better. Now we know we know where we can go from here."

"Please, let's move on from here. Not because the past is unimportant but because I think we have learned from it. We've learned to not make the same mistakes again, please." He leaned down and kissed the top of my head as he sighed into my hair.

"I agree Bella; we've come a long way this past week and a half and I want us to move forward from here. We won't make the same mistakes again, I won't let us." The way he said it was so final, so certain.

"I love you," tilting my face up my lips found his. As his hard lips met mine I knew that we would somehow make it through this stronger.

As we lay in bed side by side talking sometime later he reluctantly pushed himself out of bed.

"We need to get going, time for our surprise," I had completely forgotten.

"Okay," I didn't want to appear reluctant. I knew that these things meant a lot to him. We got up and headed to the car together. It was eerily quiet downstairs and I didn't see anyone as we made our way out.

"Where did everyone go?" That was definitely not the norm.

"I think they all went hunting together," he answered but sounded distracted.

"Where are we going," I really wasn't expecting an answer and I was correct.

"No more questions, you'll see when we get there," he was smiling at me so obviously this was a good thing.

"Okay, thank you in advance, in case I forget later," laughing he put his hand on mine and raised it to his lips, kissing me gently. Just that simple act sent chills thru me. I wondered if I would always feel this way, if his touch could still elicit the same reaction 50 years from now. Would I even still be around 50 years from now?

EPOV

Even though she still didn't want to be changed I felt better knowing that we had at least talked. We couldn't avoid the subject forever after all. Looking over at her in the seat I hoped she would like the surprise that I had planned for her. I always felt like there were not enough ways to show how much I loved her.

Pulling into the parking lot I watched her look around, confused. We've lived in Alaska a number of years now but she has never truly experienced it. We walked up to the office and after some paperwork we were escorted to the waiting helicopter. After we were buckled in we ascended quickly into the heavens above, the majestic views of Alaska opening below us.

Bella was speechless, trying to take everything in. Without looking her hand searched for mine and grasped it tightly. I leaned over her shoulder, looking out her window with her, filling her in on what we were seeing below us. All too quickly the flight was over and we were back down on solid ground.

"I don't even know what to say, any words I can think of don't seem to do it justice," she was beaming. It had been a while since I had seen her so happy. "Thank you," pulling herself closer to me she kissed me. How long we stood there like that I didn't know, didn't care.

She pulled away from me, "Let's go home."

No words were necessary. I lead us to the car and headed home, my hand never losing contact with her body. We got home and I helped her out, almost carrying her through the door.

She gasped when she looked around. My family had done what I had asked, candles were lit on every available surface; the room appeared to be glowing. Whatever space was open was occupied by flowers. I had wanted to make this evening special and I could tell by the look on her face that I was succeeding.

"Oh Edward," her voice was shaky. Her eyes were filled with tears. I walked her over to the dining room table on which her favorite meal of mushroom raviolis was waiting, still steaming hot. It never failed to amuse me that this only became her favorite meal after our first dinner together in Port Angeles.

"I don't want to waste any time eating," she attempted to walk away from the table but I stopped her.

"Bella, tomorrow is a big day, you can't eat after 12:00, it's important to eat while you still can," her smile dimmed a bit and she sat down. Damn, this isn't how I wanted tonight to go, I wanted to help her forget about tomorrow not chastise her about it.

"I'm sorry Bella," running my fingers thru my hair I tried to find some way to capture the moment again.

"Don't feel bad, you're right, I forgot that I can't eat after a certain time," she smiled at me. She was also determined not to ruin this evening. She ate her food quickly and came to my side. I walked her over to the piano and sat her down next to me.

Music filled the room as I began to play. I began with her lullaby, the melody that would always belong to her. As soon as I ended I began my next song, the song that I had been working on while she slept. It started off slow and haunting, the music somehow managing to convey my anguish of the past week and a half. I noticed the tear drops on the piano keys as they fell from her eyes. Continuing I looked at her and smiled as slowly the music became loving and hopeful, trying to show that we would move on from this.

She just held me as it ended, her tears hadn't let up. "Bella, don't be sad," I wasn't getting anything right tonight. Every thing I was doing was making her sad.

"I'm not sad, just scared, I don't know if I'm ready for tomorrow," I knew how much it took for her to admit fear so I just held her, not certain of the right words to say in order to comfort her. I didn't want to promise her that everything would be okay, couldn't make that promise with any certainty.

"Can we go to bed please, can you just hold me, nothing can hurt me if you are holding me," if tears were an option for me they would be flowing freely right now. She so rarely allowed herself to appear too weak, to ask for anything and the fact that she did it now showed me how scared she truly was.

We were heading up the stairs before the question had even finished leaving her mouth. I gave her time to wash up, pulled back the covers and waited for her. She looked embarrassed when she got into bed, I wasn't sure why.

"What's wrong?" I couldn't understand why she would feel this way.

"I just feel stupid for being so scared. So many other things I have faced in my life and surgery frightens me," she bit her lip, trying to keep it from trembling.

"Bella, being scared is nothing to be ashamed of. I've been to medical school twice and I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared for you. Every surgery has it risks and in your situation it is a major surgery. I'm not trying to scare you more I just want to be honest with you, let you know that being afraid is natural." Pulling her tighter to me I rubbed my hands along her back as her body shook, I had never seen her cry as much as she had these past few days. She was barely holding herself together, the stress of everything finally getting to her.

"What if something happens?" her voice was barely a whisper.

"Then I'll join you and I'll find you, we'll be together again, I'm sure of that," I swallowed a lump in my throat.

"Please Edward, if something happens to me, don't do anything rash, think of your family, please Edward," she was pleading with me but that was one promise that I would not make her.

"Bella, I would be useless to my family if you weren't here with my anymore. Life without you would be no life. I've known that from the moment I met you, you have to understand that," she sighed and nodded.

"I love you," I still marveled at how this angel loved me.

"As I do you, forever Bella," I kissed her forehead and pulled her as close to me as I dared.

She brought her lips to mine and effectively ended the conversation. We spent the night in each others arms. I tried to offer her whatever comfort I could. Watching her while she slept was maddening. She tossed and turned, alternately between crying out my name and sobbing.

Before the sun was even up it was time to wake her up, we had to be at the hospital early to check in. She already had circles under her eyes from her restless night and I knew that the next few days at the hospital wouldn't make it any better. She got ready quickly. Her hands never quite stopped shaking as we heading downstairs where everyone was waiting. The looks on their faces was one of worry and fear, no one would ever be the same if something happened to Bella, she had touched each of our lives.

She walked to each one hugging them and smiling as they uttered words of support to her, each one squeezing her as tight as they dared. Carlisle and Esme came to the garage with us. They were driving and were going to stay by my side during the surgery. The drive was silent. I sat in the back with Bella, holding her hand. She was paler than usual and her hand felt ice cold even to me. I tried to smile, to reassure her but I had seen what Alice had shown to me and it felt forced and I hoped she wouldn't look too closely. All I wanted to do was to pick her up, hold her to me and never let her go.

We arrived at the hospital all too quickly. All I could hear was the beating of Bella's heart. The speed at which it was beating was overwhelming to me. Squeezing her hand I walked up to the check in desk with her, all the paperwork had already been filled in before hand so all we had to do was sit and wait. It wasn't long before a nurse entered thru the double doors and called us back, we were shown to a pre-op room and Bella was told to change into her hospital gown. Her small body was shivering as I helped her tie the strings up in the back. I wanted to ask her again if she was sure, to let her know that being this brave wasn't necessary. But I didn't because Bella had never in her life done what I thought she would.

Watching her sitting there on the bed it all suddenly became too real for me. She looked so utterly breakable. What would I do if something happened to her, how would I survive? I wouldn't, I couldn't it was that simple. Every second without her would be filled with agony. I needed to stay positive, for her I needed to remain calm. Trying to compose my face I went to her and sat on the bed next to her. She immediately fell into my arms, seeking comfort, reassurance. My arms wrapped around her, offering her everything, all that I was, anything to take away her pain.

We sat there, wrapped in each others arms until the nurse came in, wanting to get Bella prepped for surgery. Reluctantly I let her go, leaving a piece of myself with her. Somehow I know that even if we both survived this we would never be the same, something had shifted in our relationship, I realized that she wasn't as fragile as I had always assumed. She was stronger than me in so many ways and I'm not sure why I hadn't always realized that. Watching her as she talked to the nurse I was struck by her composure. She is always so reluctant to have anyone worry about her, even in situations such as these.

The nurse finished with checking the vitals, starting an IV, everything that would need to be done before they took Bella away. I was by her side again before the nurse had even left. She laid her head against my chest, her breathing slow but her heart racing. I smoothed down her hair and kissed her forehead, the top of head, her neck, anywhere my lips could reach. She said nothing, just accepted the comfort I was offering to her.

All too soon the doctor and the anesthesiologist entered. They once again explained the procedure to Bella and told me they would let me know the status as soon as possible. I know from medical school to expect the procedure to take 2 hours at the very least so I hoped it would go by fast. Time slipped away quickly after the doctors left, nurses were there and ready to wheel her back to surgery. Her brown eyes widened in fear, she grasped my hand tightly.

"It will be okay Bella, I love you," I wished that I could produce tears, it would be the only way to properly convey what I felt in this moment.

"I love you too Edward, always," our hands were forced to separate as we reached the doors that I couldn't enter. I gave her one last kiss and watched her until I could no longer see her. My shoulders hunched over, pain rippling in my chest I made my way back to the waiting room where Esme and Carlisle waited for me.

Esme stood up instantly and hugged me. Offering me comfort without saying a word. I sat down in the chair, willing time to pass by quickly. Esme would tap me every so often to remind me to move, I was so focused on my thoughts that I had forgotten the charade that had become so ingrained in me. I was thankful for the fact that we were all comfortable enough with each other that the need for small talk was non existent.

Watching and willing someone to pass with thoughts of Bella all I could do was wring my hands together. In all our time together, all the danger we had encountered I could not remember every feeling this powerless over Bella's future. Esme and Carlisle's thoughts alternated between concern for Bella and concern for me, I could only imagine how I looked.

It seemed like it had been days but surely only hours had passed before I could hear Bella's name in someone's thoughts. I closed off my mind, wanting to hear the news face to face, not wanting to know any sooner than necessary.

Before long her doctor entered the waiting area, quickly coming to our area.

"Dr. Maher," I stood up to greet her. I could tell by the look on her face that her news was not good.

"Mr. Cullen, I'm afraid that when we went in we found that the cancer had spread further than we had originally anticipated," she looked at me, her face full of pity. "We took out as much as we could but she will need extensive treatment after she recovers from her surgery. I wish that I had better news." She looked angry, and from her mind I could tell that she was, angry at the fates that had allowed this young woman to be inflicted with this horrendous disease. It was a testament to her character that after all this time it still affected her deeply when things went wrong.

"Thank you, I appreciate everything you've done for her," I shook her hand before she headed back thru the doors.

Before long a nurse appeared calling my name. I looked to Esme and Carlisle wanting to let them know that they were welcome to come back with me but they simply shook their heads, dealing with the news we had received.

Following the nurse down the hall I tried to assimilate all the thoughts running through my head. I was trying to make sense of the past two weeks, trying to understand what had happened to our lives. As we turned a corner I could smell her before I could see her. It was almost more powerful than the first time we had met; it overwhelmed me in a way that I had forgotten.

Taking a deep breath I followed the nurse into her room. My body stopped when I saw her lying there, pale and helpless. Her fragility had never been more evident than it was now. Quickly I went to her side, grabbing her hands in mine, wanting to be the first thing she saw when she woke up.

Slowly she started to come to, her body shifting from side to side, words falling from her lips. She called my name several times and once again my desire to shield her from this engulfed me. All I could do was be there for her until she woke up, stay by her side like I had always promised to do.

Her eyelids began to flutter and she looked around the room. It didn't take long for her to remember everything and she clutched at my hands. The pain in her eyes was evident and I wished I could do something to take it all away. She smiled when I came into focus, always trying to protect me at her own expense.

"How are you feeling?" My eyes look down her body, trying to ascertain the damage inflicted.

"Sore, tired, not too much pain," she tried to smile again but I could tell it was strained.

"Why don't you just rest then," I trailed my fingers along her face.

She simply nodded and drifted back to sleep. I stayed by her side, never letting go of her hand as I sat there, wondering what I would say to her when she woke up.

_Hope you enjoyed that. The next few chapters are a bit rough so just a warning. More coming tomorrow and thanks again for reading._


	8. What Have You Done?

_AN – This chapter is what I had in mind when I first started this story. I had this idea and then wrote the rest of the story around it. _

_Thank you again to everyone who is reading this and reviewing it. Although I am terribly behind I am working on responding still._

EPOV

After a restless drug induced sleep her eyelids finally fluttered open again. I hadn't left her side once. I had just sat and listened to her talk, she alternated between calling my name and gentle sobbing. It broke my heart listening to her cry, wondering why she couldn't simply escape the pain at least in her sleep. Brushing her hair from her face I was once again struck by the urge to take her away, find a place where nothing could ever harm her again.

"Edward," it was a hoarse whisper. "What's wrong?" She looked disturbed by the sadness that must be apparent on my face.

"Bella, you're lying here in a hospital after surgery and you're asking me what's wrong?" I shook my head, not sure whether to laugh or scream.

"You just look so sad Edward," she squeezed my hand with hers, her delicate hand that so easily could be crushed with just the slightest pressure from me.

"Oh Bella," I stroked her hands with my own. "Dr. Maher came to talk to me after the surgery was over," that was all it took for her to understand exactly what I was talking about. Tears glistened in her eyes and she grabbed my hands as if she was holding on for dear life.

"What have I done," she shook her head back and forth and the tears fell upon her cheeks. "What have I done?"

I was confused, why was she blaming any of this on herself?

"Bella, what are you talking about?" She was crying hysterically now and I was truly getting worried. I pressed the call button for the nurse and told them to please hurry in. "Bella, you need to calm down love. Please, you need to calm down." Her wide eyes just darted around the room, not focusing on anything. I tried to soothe her with my words but she was beyond my help.

The nurse came in quickly and noted the dangerously high blood pressure on her monitor. Quickly she pulled a syringe out of her pocket and inserted it into her IV. She spoke with Bella in a soothing tone until the medicine began to take effect. It wasn't long before long Bella had dozed off again. Her face still held a trace of the tension of the past few minutes but she at least was calm again. When she was deeply asleep I called Carlisle and Esme, needing their support.

They arrived quickly in the room and Esme's face was filled with shock and despair. While used to Bella being weak we weren't used to seeing her so fragile. Esme immediately came to me and just held me. I collapsed against her, needing some way to release the emotions inside of me.

"Did you tell her Edward?" Her eyes were filled with concern.

"I started to and she just started crying hysterically and blaming it on herself." She rubbed my back, trying in vain to comfort me. "Why would she think that, why?"

"Edward, she is dealing with a lot right now. She is trying to so hard to make you happy that it is killing her to do otherwise."

"As long as she is with me I'm happy, doesn't she know that, I've told her over and over again." I went to Bella's side, sitting on the bed next to her. "All I've wanted is her since the moment I met her. Nothing could keep me away from her."

"Edward, then you have to understand where she is coming from. You claim to love her beyond reason and yet you have never wanted her as an equal as one of us."

"But you know why, you both know why," I looked to each of them, begging them to understand.

Carlisle came over to me, "Understanding and agreeing are two completely different things," he sighed and pulled a chair over. "Edward, I always knew better than to attempt to change your mind. If I thought for one second it would have made a difference I would have pushed you. Do you not realize how Jasper has to avoid you sometimes when she is around? You've never seen how she looks wistfully after you when you go hunting, hating to be reminded of your differences. Edward any time anyone even hints at it you go insane, you can not speak of it calmly."

"She's wrong it's not her fault, it's all mine, and it's always been mine. I've never deserved her. I have never been good enough for her."

"Damn it Edward, no more of this. It's not going to help either of you at this time." Carlisle seemed quite angry. It was not a side of him I was used to seeing.

"I've made a mess of things haven't I?" Looking at Bella looking so weak and so frail brought it all home to me. If I hadn't been so stubborn I could have saved her from this. She was my mate and the thought of losing her killed me, it always had. I didn't even remember the reasons why I had been denying her for all these years. All I wanted to do was change her, change her so I would never lose her. I'd do it right now but there were too many witnesses, no way we'd escape unnoticed.

My mind began plotting the different ways in which I could sneak her out. Trying to determine when the most opportune time would present itself. The nurse's shifts would have to change at some point. I would listen to get that necessary information. I could run away with her before anyone would notice, before the machines even registered her absence I would be gone.

"Edward, whatever you are thinking, stop!" Carlisle knew me too well. "You can't change her now, not against her wishes. She may never forgive you. Son I know it's hard but you can't make this decision for her now." He put his hand on my back and I knew that he was right. I could never think clearly where Bella was concerned, my need for her overwhelmed what I knew to be right and wrong.

She began moving again, crying out in her drugged sleep. My name over and over again and I tried holding her hand, caressing her face. Nothing calmed her down. I decided to lie down next to her and immediately she moved into my body calming down instantly. It was so natural. I had spent countless nights with her by my side sleeping. To be honest I looked forward to those moments. In her dreams Bella offered me a view into her thoughts I normally didn't get. I would miss that. What was I thinking? Was I so desperate that I would change her against her wishes? No. I knew that I could never do anything that would disappoint her. That would anger her. Not if I could possibly help it.

I stood in bed with her while nurses came and checked on her occassionally. They raised their eyebrows but no one challenged me. Carlisle and Esme stayed in the room and suddenly she began to stir again. Quickly I moved out of the bed, giving her room to move freely. Her eyes still were reflecting her obvious pain. She looked at me.

"Please, please come back. I need you by me." In an instant I was back, holding her as close to me as I dared. The last thing I wanted to do was cause her more physical pain.

"How are you love?" I looked deep into her eyes, trying to determine how she was coping.

"I've been better," she made a pitiful attempt at a laugh. Carlisle and Esme just smiled at her.

"Please Bella. Please don't try to be brave for us. It's important to know how much pain you really are in." I looked down her body, the smell of blood stronger than normal due to her incision.

"Honestly Edward, it hurts but nothing I can't handle." She smiled at me, always trying to shield me from her pain. She moved and a grimace marred her lovely face.

"I can get a nurse in here. Get you some more pain medication." She shook her head.

"No, all it does is make me sleepy. I just want to sit here with you. Nothing else matters as long as you're here. Please don't ever leave." She started crying again. I looked to Carlisle for direction. I knew it was a combination of the drugs and tiredness that was doing this to her but I couldn't handle seeing her like this. Sitting by her side again I tried to soothe her. She eventually fell back into a fitful sleep. Her breath would stutter occasionally from her earlier crying.

"Is this normal?" Trips to medical school do not prepare you for this. It's easier to be calm when you aren't emotionally invested in the patient.

"Yes it is," Carlisle switched to doctor mode. "Anesthesia affects everyone differently but everyone is disorientated to varying degrees. She'll be okay."

I simply nodded and stayed by her side. Trying to offer her whatever comfort I could. Her breathing calmed and she seemed at peace for the moment. Wondering what okay for her meant. Chemotherapy, radiation, more surgeries, what did her future hold? I sighed. I had never in all my years felt as helpless as I did at that moment.

Our next few days in the hospital were a blur. I never left her side and the nurses quickly learned that asking me to leave was a useless endeavor. She slowly got stronger. I helped her walk around the hospital, helped her eat. We waited patiently until we could finally go back to our new home. She wanted to be out of the hospital just as badly as I did. She hated having so much attention upon herself.

When she was finally released we sat in the back of the car while Carlisle drove us to our new home. I held her hand and she leaned against me. She was still quite weak and in pain but we were taking this one day at a time. Her parents called her everyday, wanting to come and visit. She always said no, she wanted to be better before she saw them again. When we pulled into the driveway I could tell by the noises coming from inside that everyone was there waiting to see her. They had come to see her at the hospital as much as they could but that atmosphere was hard for some of them to handle. They were excited to see Bella back home again.

Helping her from the car I just carried her inside, against her protests. I knew that everyone was anxious to see her and that the simple process of checking out had tired her. I carried her straight to the couch. Esme had been busy while we were in the hospital, completely decorating our new place. Everyone gathered around her, trying hard to not let their faces betray how surprised they were by her appearance. If possible her skin was even paler than normal. She had deep shadows under her eyes and she had lost some weight and appeared frailer than usual.

Everyone quickly had pillows and blankets for her, wanting to make her comfortable. I could tell that all the attention made her uncomfortable but she smiled at everyone.

"Thank you for being here," her voice was tired, barely a whisper.

"Of course, we've missed you Bells," Emmett was trying very hard to be chipper for her.

"Welcome home Bella," Rosalie smiled at her. She debated about whether or not to try to hug her. Eventually she decided to just give her a gently pat on the shoulder.

"Oh Bella," Alice just sat next to her, holding her hand. She couldn't bring herself to say more. She knew far too much and still didn't want to accept it.

Jasper kept a safe distance, the emotions that swirled in the room making him uncomfortable. The room was filled with love, pity, sadness, it was almost unbearable.

Everyone stood around her, not quite sure what to do or what to say.

Bella tried to make small talk with everyone but I knew she was quickly tiring. A large yawn escaped her mouth and everyone quickly excused themselves. They all promised to return soon to see her again. Only Carlisle and Esme stayed behind. I carried her upstairs to our bedroom and placed her on the bed.

"Get some rest love," I kissed her forehead.

"Don't leave," her eyes pleaded with me. Quickly I was beside her in the bed. I placed another blanket around her and savored the feeling of her next to me. She fell asleep quickly.

_Edward, I'm sorry. Please Edward don't go, don't leave me alone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

Her dreams had been like this lately, always apologizing to me. I was never sure what they were about but didn't have the heart to question her in the morning. It broke my heart that she could never escape her agony.

Rubbing her back I allowed myself to dream. Dream of a life with her as my equal by my side, a life where I could never lose her. Her beauty would be magnified when she became a vampire. I couldn't imagine Bella more amazing than she was now.

She would be different though. Better? I wasn't sure. Underneath the changes she would still be the human girl I fell in love with. Perhaps that is why I had never changed her. Not only would I be taking her life I would be changing who she was. Changing her from who I had fell in love with. Was I afraid of that?

Looking down at her I couldn't imagine a Bella that I wouldn't love. Who was a bigger fool than I was? She was everything I had waited decades for, everything I had never thought to ask for. Yet the one thing she had wanted from me I had denied her repeatedly. It was the one thing I had always wanted too though, to never lose her. It was why I had never been able to stay away.

There had to be some way that I could convince her. Some way to make her see I wanted this. I couldn't bear to see her in anymore pain. She was scheduled to start chemotherapy in a few days and I didn't want her to go through that. I would know the entire time that none of this would have ever happened if not for me.

There was no insight into her mind again. Her sleep was silent but restless. She never lost contact with my body though. Her hand would always find a way to reach for me. I offered her whatever small comfort I could, cherishing these moments we had together.

As she slept I allowed my mind to wander to the very real possibility that I would lose her. She seemed to think that somehow I would be able to survive losing her. That somehow I would be capable of moving on with my life. I couldn't fathom how she would even be able to think such things. She was my life and without her by my side my existence would cease. There was no question about it, no doubt. Our lives were irrevocably tied together.

I was not sure how I could make her understand that. How could I make her believe me that I wanted her as an equal? I had fought her on this for 1/3 of her life. She had every reason to doubt my motives now. To be honest they weren't pure. They were selfishly motivated to a degree. It all boiled down to the same thing though, life without her was not a possibility. Why I had not arrived at that conclusion sooner was not something to focus on. I had reached the proper conclusion, albeit the timing was bad but the motivating force behind it was the same. I loved her, beyond all reason, beyond all distraction, I loved her.

She stirred in my arms. Her wide brown eyes opened and searched for me instinctively.

"I'm here love," she smiled and I felt whole again.

"Edward, don't you need to hunt?" When would she ever put herself first?

"Don't worry about me okay, I'm fine," she just nodded and sighed. I knew these last few days had to be trying on her and wished I could somehow make it all better. All I could do though was be there for her as she got better. Try to help her to become whole again.

Our days became routine. Bella was still too weak to do much beyond sleep and rest downstairs. Everyday I made her walk as much as possible, wanting her to heal as soon as she could. Although it would be so easy for me to carry her around everywhere it wouldn't help her. I had to fight against my natural instinct to protect her from pain. It was a necessary pain, something that had to be endured in order to move on. It was almost ironic to think about, our lives were always about pain being endured in one way or another.

Everyone came to visit daily. They all wanted to spend as much time with her as they possibly could. They all sensed that something was changing but weren't ready to admit it quite yet. Bella really wasn't Bella anymore. She was a paler, weaker, sadder version of her former self. Her face still lit up whenever I entered the room but it didn't always reach her expressive eyes. I missed the life that used to radiate from them.

The family's presence allowed me time to hunt quickly around our home, just enough to sustain me so that I wouldn't be gone long. Not extremely satisfying but I wouldn't be leave her side for longer than necessary.

All too soon the day for chemotherapy was upon us. I didn't want to think of poison flowing thru Bella's body. How ironic once again, I would love nothing more than to have my poison flowing through her body at this moment.

We drove to the hospital together once again. She was nervous but talkative. I think she wanted me to distract her, to make her feel somewhat normal in a life full of chaos. We checked in and waited to be called back. I tried to watch her without drawing attention to myself. She was so frail. I didn't want to think of the effect that this would have on her. Her body didn't seem like it could handle much more.

We were called back and Bella was hooked up to the IV that would administer the drugs into her system. Drugs that would attack her cells, attack her precious body. They would make her sick, lose her hair. It would change her.

I held her hand while she sat down, a role that I had been perfecting lately. Me standing by offering her comfort while she was in pain. It was the story of our lives to date. Always trying but somehow failing to keep her from getting hurt.

She closed her eyes and held my hand tightly while the poison moved through her veins. I could smell it as it moved through her blood stream, smell the changes it made in her normal intoxicating scent. It offended my nose and made me want to cringe. Every day my poor Bella was changing into something I didn't recognize anymore.

When she finally finished her treatment I had to hold my breath. Her scent was so offensive to me now that it burned me in a different way. She must have sensed my discomfort.

"Edward, why don't you just get the car while I check out," I was never very good at hiding things from her.

"Don't be silly Bella. I'm not leaving your side." I pulled her close to me, ignoring the urge to run away.

"Thank you Edward, I really need you right now," now I felt even worse. All she ever wanted was my presence and I as always thought about myself.

We drove home, making small talk, trying to avoid the topic we had been avoiding steadily for weeks now. I tried to crack the window, get fresh air into the car. I was impatient for an opportunity to escape her scent. Finally we made it home and I opened my door before the car had even fully stopped. I took huge breaths of fresh air trying to prepare myself before I opened her door. Although the offensive odor was still very strong I found that with the deeper breaths I could still catch traces of my Bella.

Having processed all this information in about 1/10 of a second I was at Bella's door before she could suspect anything. I opened it and noticed she hadn't even unlatched her seatbelt yet. Quickly I removed it and lifted her in my arms. She was looking a bit green and a sheen of sweat covered her face. We made our way upstairs, she obviously needed some rest. We passed Carlisle and Esme on the way up and I could tell by their wrinkled noses that they had noticed the smell also.

Once in the room I went to place her on our bed and she shook her head and pointed at the bathroom. I placed her next to the sink and make my way out, closing the door behind me. Going over to our stereo I picked some soothing music to turn on. Nothing could drown out the sound of her retching behind the door though. She was horribly sick for quite some time. I went in to check on her, rubbing her back and holding a cold wash cloth to her head. Finally her frail body was spent and I carried her to bed, covering her up.

I sat next to her as she fell into a fevered sleep. She was too weak to thrash around much but she never stopped talking.

_No_

_Why_

_It hurts. Why does it hurt so badly?_

_Please Edward, don't go._

_Don't go._

_I'll change…..I'll change._

My ears perked up at her last sentence. She was willing to change now? In what way was she referring to? Over and over again she repeated these things and I sat there rubbing her back. I tried to ignore the smell that now filled the room but it was too strong to be denied. It burned me with an intensity that I had forgotten.

I needed to smell her, the real her. Lifting her wrist to my nose I inhaled deeply. There it was the slightest trace of her. Perhaps if I moved to her pulse points it would be easier for me to find her scent. I moved around her body inhaling deeply until suddenly her smell filled the room again. It was if I could taste it, taste her. I was buzzed off the greatness of it. It was so strong and intoxicating. My body hummed with it.

Abruptly her sleep talking ended. I looked down at her, making sure she was still sleeping. I was surprised to find her eyes filled with terror and pain. She opened her mouth and a bloodcurdling scream escaped her. Over and over she screamed. They filled the room, echoed around me. I attempted to soothe her but it only made her more frantic.

Suddenly our bedroom door slammed open and Carlisle and Esme ran in frightened.

Carlisle took one look at Bella and then his eyes settled on me, "Edward, what have you done?"

_Okay I promise that I will update again tomorrow. I won't leave you hanging there for long._

_Let me know how you are liking it so far._


	9. Chapter 9

_AN –Okay this is a short chapter but I had wanted to let everyone know what had happened after last chapter. Thank you again for all the wonderful reviews._

_I do not own these characters._

BPOV

Pain. All I could feel was incredible pain. It was burning through me, killing me. They didn't warn me about this when they listed the side effects of chemotherapy. I was prepared for the nausea and chills. You think they would have made a point to tell me that it would feel like my body was on fire. I opened my eyes, terrified. Edward was there, my guardian angel, he would protect me from this pain. He would make it all better. That was when I noticed, noticed the blood dripping from his lips. His eye color was swirling, a faint hint of red appearing.

That was when I knew, knew what he had done to me and I began to scream. He tried to soothe me but I wanted him no where near me. I continued to scream, hoping he would get the idea and get away from me. I didn't know what to think, didn't know what to do. So I continued to scream. The door opened and Carlisle and Esme walked in.

The look of shock that crossed their faces said it all. He had done it. He had started to change me. But why now, why in this manner when I didn't even have a chance to discuss it, to approve it?

Suddenly he backed away from me, looking mortified. I was right all along. He didn't want me this way. What fun was indestructible Bella? I wouldn't need Edward to keep me from falling, from getting hurt. I was his equal soon and he didn't want me anymore. I was only good as long as I was a novelty and he felt stronger than me.

"What have I done….what have I done?" He looked pained. Why in the world would he be in pain? What was that noise, it was like a banshee stuck inside my head? Oh, that was me, my screaming. I couldn't figure out a way to make it stop. The pain that I was in demanded an outlet.

Carlisle and Edward were talking frantically in the corner of the room. Edward's head was hung down in shame. Esme came to my side, trying to soothe me but I was beyond help. As if the pain wasn't bad enough I also had to deal with the fact that Edward immediately regretted his decision.

"Isn't there anything you can do for her Carlisle? Can't you find a way to help her?" He sounded anguished. When he looked at me the pain in his eyes cut deep into my soul. I hated to see him hurting. I never wanted him to be sad. Trying desperately to communicate with my eyes I called him over to me.

Thankfully most times he could read me like an open book and he came to my side. He came as close as he dared without touching me. I think he was afraid to cause me more pain.

I opened my mouth but no words came out, just screams. I willed my hand to stop clawing at the sheets so I could reach for him. Noticing he grabbed my hand instantly and sat down next to me.

"I'm so sorry Bella, please forgive me, please," my mind pondered what he was sorry for. Was he sorry that he changed me? Why would he tell me that right now though, wasn't I in enough pain?

"I never intended for it to be like that, to do it against your will. Please you have to believe me," he looked like he was dying inside. Like a baby whose toy had been taken away. He was completely and utterly heartbroken.

I tried to process this, to realize what his words implied. It was not control he had been exerting over me when he changed me, it was desire. Desire had completely overwhelmed him and for once in the whole time I had known him he had lost control.

I tried to nod, tried to make him understand that I believed him. Before I could see if he understood complete and utter blackness overtook me.

EPOV

The look of shock on Carlisle's face surprised me. I know her screaming was overwhelming but surely it wasn't frightening to him.

"Edward, what have you done?" What have I done? I was just attempting to calm my Bella down. It killed me to have her in pain. I would do anything to be able to take it on for her.

Carlisle pointedly looked at Bella and I followed his eyes down to my love. That is when I noticed. I noticed the wetness on my lips and the strange hum of excess power flowing thru my body. Then I saw the bite marks that riddled her body. Not a single pulse point had been spared. I backed away, horrified. What had I done?

Carlisle was waiting for me in the corner of the room. His eyes were filled with rage.

"What were you thinking Edward? What could have possibly possessed you to do this to her?"

I hung my head down, too ashamed to articulate something.

"Edward, I need answers."

"It wasn't intentional Carlisle, I would never do this to her against her will," her screams were echoing around the room. Each one killing me just a little more.

"Then what happened?" He looked like I felt, baffled and mortified.

"I was just trying to find he scent again, to find my Bella." I was shaking my head, how had I lost control? How could I have allowed myself to harm Bella? She might never forgive me after this. I may have just lost everything. "Carlisle you have to know that I would never do this to her intentionally." He searched my face and nodded his head.

"Edward, you do realize that there may be grave consequences to your impulsiveness?" My mind couldn't bear to think of what might happen. I looked over at her. Her screams had not stopped at all. Each scream that left her mouth ripped through me.

"Of course I realize that, but it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is her. Isn't there anything you can do for her Carlisle? Can't you find a way to help her?" I looked over at her and almost buckled under the anguish that I felt. I would never forgive myself for doing this to her. This was not something she could ever forgive me for. I had condemned her for life.

Her eyes caught mine and they pleaded with me. They pleaded with me to come to her side. I was there in an instant. I kept a safe distance. I didn't want to hurt her more than I already had. Her hand appeared to be reaching for mine and I grabbed it, grateful for the opportunity to offer her comfort.

Apologizing over and over again I sat next to her. I tried to let her know that this wasn't my plan, that I had never intended to do this to her. At that moment I would have given anything to take it back to have her whole and untouched again.

She was getting weaker and she looked up at me. I thought I caught the slightest hint of a nod before her eyes rolled back into head and she went limp. From experience I knew that passing out would not help you escape the pain so I sat there next to her. Holding her hand and never leaving her side.

I was slightly aware of the others as they came and went in the room. None of them dared to speak to me but I could tell by the thoughts in their head that anger was the dominant feeling. Everyone had always wanted Bella as a part of our family but no one had wanted her change to happen in these circumstances.

Her voice eventually became horse and her screams sounded more like the mewling of a kitten. She thrashed around the bed, trying to find relief that wasn't there. With every second that passed by I hated myself more and more for doing this to her.

"Edward," a hand grasped my shoulder and I turned to face Rosalie.

"You know I would never wish this upon anyone but you have to remember that she did want this. Perhaps not under these circumstances but you have to realize that no matter how the change occurred she would be in pain. Don't destroy yourself over this. She will need you to be strong for her. She will need help." In the back of my mind I know that she was right, that I had to be there for her. I looked up at Rosalie and nodded, words were not possible at this time.

Days and nights passed in a blur. I waited for her to finish the change, desperate to make sure she was okay. Gradually her pain ceased as her heart took its last few beats. Silence filled the room and I waited desperately for her to open her eyes.

Slowly her eyelids fluttered opened and her blood red eyes met my gaze.

"Edward, what happened?" She looked confused and sad. Her hands grabbed mine and I tried in vain to come up with some way to explain what I had done to her.

_Sooo…how do you think this will go over? Next chapter will be up soon. Thanks for reading._


	10. Why?

_AN –Okay I planned on having this up this morning but I'm functioning at full strength today. But here is the next chapter. We get to see how Bella feels about what Edward has done! Hope you enjoy it. _

_I do not own these characters._

BPOV

As quickly as the burning had started it ended. One second my skin was a raging inferno and then it was like ice cold water had been poured over me. The relief was exhilarating.

I found the will to open my eyes again but for some reason I feared what I might see. Not remembering the exact reasoning behind it I decided to give it a try.

The utter brightness almost made me want to close them again immediately. Then I saw him. Edward, still here by my side, I was in awe of his beauty. I waited for the normal rush of emotions, the heat to my checks, or the rush of my heart and felt nothing. That was odd. I reached for his hands and asked the only question I could think of.

"Edward, what happened?" Sadness passed briefly thru his eyes and was quickly gone. I tried to decipher the meaning behind it but couldn't determine the why. He grabbed my hands in his and I could sense that he was debating with himself.

"Bella," he looked down at our hands entwined and lifted them to his mouth. Placing kisses on each finger. He squeezed my hand with his own. The pressure of it surprised me. He had never been so forceful with me before. I instantly worried about my bones but there was no pain.

Then I remembered everything. He had been sitting in that exact location with my blood on his lips. The pain that was in his eyes before I passed out, I never wanted to see them filled with so much pain again.

"Edward? Why?" I could see how that single word crushed him. His stomach clenched ever so slightly and I had to reassure him. "Edward…." I sat up, forced him to look at me. "I'm not mad at you. I just need to know what happened."

"Oh Bella, I'm so sorry. I never meant for it to be like this. You know I would never do this against your wishes. I'm the worst kind of monster, I'm…." I was getting angrier with each word that escaped his mouth so I pushed him to get him to stop but forgetting my new found power I ended up pushing him to the ground. At this point though I didn't really care and I stood over him glaring at him.

"Stop…damn it Edward stop this now. God help me if I will live through an eternity of you bemoaning this decision. I will leave before I listen to another word of it, do you understand me?" I was now inches from his face, screaming at him. Somewhere the back of my mind registered the audience gathered in the doorway but I was beyond caring.

"But..Bella," he held up his hands, trying to explain.

"NO..no but Bella's, no woe is me, enough of it. Guess what, it happened. I should be the one who is upset, but I'm not. I want to know why you did it. Without apologies, without regrets, just tell me why. Do you think you could handle that simple task?"

He looked stunned. No other word could even come close to describing it.

"Yes. I can handle that Bella. It is the least I can do," I moved away from him and sat on the bed again. He slowly pushed himself off the floor, never moving his eyes away from mine.

I patted the bed next to me. I still wanted him near me even though I was upset with him. Regardless of what was going on I could never handle having him far away from me.

He eyed me warily as he approached me. I could tell Jasper was fighting his instinct by not interfering. I did not feel out of control though. Just anger, that was all I could feel.

"Bella," he took a deep sigh and it took everything I had to not push him right off the bed. Forcing myself to take a deep breath I readied myself to hear his story. "I brought you home from chemotherapy and you smelled so different. It was you but it wasn't. It made my mouth burn, not with desire but with repulsion." He grabbed my hand in an attempt to soften the blow of what he was saying to me. "I had never wanted so badly to run away but you needed me. Then I became desperate," I could tell this was the hard part for him and I squeezed his hand. He smiled faintly at me. "I found that if I inhaled deeply at your pulse points I could smell the real you, it was still there," he held my wrist up to his nose, inhaling and then placing a gentle kiss. "I'm not sure at what point it turned to something more. One second you were sleeping and the next you were screaming. At first I thought it was the pain of chemotherapy and then you wouldn't stop screaming. You recoiled from me. For the first time in your life you were afraid of me and it killed me." He looked down at our hands, still entwined and squeezed my hand fiercely. "When Carlisle and Esme walked in that is when I realized what I had done. I was mortified with myself. All I wanted to do was take the pain away. To stop the pain, I can never stand to see you hurting."

He just hung his head down. I know that if I forced him to continue it would kill him. What could I say? I couldn't be mad. I understood his intentions were never this. He would never condemn me to this lifestyle without giving me a choice. I had to say something before he was too far gone to ever recover. Being careful with my words I attempted to answer.

"Thank you," his head snapped up in shock. I let go of his hand and before he could think the worst I grabbed his face with both my hands. Forcing him to look at me and no where else. "Thank you for telling me everything. I understand and I know how hard it must have been for you," he tried to look down but I wouldn't let him. "Edward it kills me to see you hurting and I know you feel the same. These past few weeks have been very hard on you. You have never been helpless when it came to me and I left you no other option. So thank you, thank you for letting me do this my way. Granted in the end this wasn't exactly the way I had envisioned it ending but I don't think you did this intentionally. I'm sorry, it must have been hard to see me in pain and feel responsible."

He looked…I couldn't quite place it. I had never seen Edward look at me this way. It was like I was dazzling him.

Suddenly his lips were on mine, soft and pliable. Warm and wet beneath mine. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was Edward but it wasn't. His arms wrapped around me, he pulled me closer and I never wanted him to let me go. I kissed him back, pouring all my love into it, hoping to convey to him everything that he meant to me.

I'm not sure how long we sat there, lips connected to one another. Without the need to breathe there was nothing to stop us. When we stopped he pulled my head to his shoulder fiercely, burying his face in my hair.

"I never thought it would be possibly to love you more than I already did Bella," he pulled back, looking into my eyes. "But I do, I love you, more than I will be able to show you. You are my everything Bella. I always knew that but I never realized how much until I almost lost you. Each breathe you take gives me life, everything you are is what keeps me going, you are the reason for my existence."

The look on his face was so tender, so loving and I suddenly contemplated that we would be together forever, nothing could take us apart and if I could have cried I would have. My life felt so full, so complete and I could never regret anything that gave me this amount of happiness. I wanted to sit in his arms forever but my throat began to burn, it was slow at first but rapidly became all consuming.

"Edward," he looked up at me and then instantly knew.

"Bella, let's go, now," he pulled me up and led me outside. We didn't stop to speak with the others, I could think of nothing but the hunger and thirst that was clawing at my throat.

We got outside and he began to run, looking back and encouraging me to follow. I moved first one foot and then the other, enjoying my newfound coordination. Soon I couldn't stop myself, the freedom was exhilarating. The ground, the trees, my surroundings flew past me. What should have been a blur was clear to me though, down to every needle on a pine tree. It was hard to not stop and just stare in amazement at the things that were now so clear around me. Suddenly a scent filled the air, it was wonderful and it made venom flow into my mouth. That was a new flavor itself. It was sweet, almost floral. I licked my lips, savoring the taste that was there.

I quickly found the source of the smell and watched as Edward demonstrated what I should do. He sensed my hesitation and brought me a deer of my own to eat. I sucked greedily, blood running down my face. The warmth filled me and made me hum with new energy. I began to run again revealing in the feeling of it. Edward was quickly beside me and we ran and ran.

We stopped when we reached a clearing overlooking a lake. I sat down and watched him as he sat next to me. He was amazing, beautiful, and breathtaking and he was mine. He sat down and pulled me closer to him. The strength that he used with me now was astounding. It made me realize how much he had to hold back all these years together. We just sat there, together for hours. Watching the sun go down and it was one of the best times of our life together to date.

As I watched the sun drift away suddenly I remembered. All this goodness had to come at a price and that price was my family. I panicked, I couldn't bring myself to say the words but Edward noticed the look in my eyes.

"Bella, what's wrong?" He rubbed his hands along my face, trying to calm me down. "It will get easier, I'll be here for you," he kissed my temple, moving his lips up and down my face.

"No, it's not that, it's my family," the look on his face said it all. "They think I'm dead don't they?"

"Bella, we had to tell them something, they kept calling, wondering how you were doing. We could only put them off for so long. Carlisle told them you experienced complications from the chemotherapy and passed away quietly in your sleep. The funeral service is in two days."

I nodded not knowing what to say. How could I face my entire life without my family now? It was something I had never truly contemplated before, too lost in my desire to be with Edward forever. Now I had what I had always wanted and that would have to be enough. As I looked at Edward, his face creased with worry as he stared down at me I realized that never mind the cost he would always be worth any sacrifice I had to make. He was my future and anything that kept him in my life for eternity was not something I could regret.

"We should head back, I'm sure the family would like to talk to you," I nodded as he held his hand to me and we began to run back hand in hand. As we got closer to the house I began to worry. What if they didn't like vampire Bella, what if I became wild and threatened them, what if…

"Don't worry love, you know them already, nothing is different. Well, except for the fact that Emmett wants to give you a rather large hug, but he has wanted to do that for years now. Just beware; he gets a bit overexcited sometimes."

I nodded and held on to him tightly as I went to meet my family for the first time as a vampire.

_So she isn't too upset with him. She could understand why he did it even when he doesn't. More coming soon and we actually don't have too much longer left with this story. Thank you again for all the support with the story._


	11. Chapter 11

_AN – Sorry for the delay once again but FF would not let me upload this yesterday at all. But here is the next chapter where Bella meets the family for the first time as a vampire. I will update again later on today!_

_Thank you again for all the kind reviews and support of this story. _

_I do not own these characters._

EPOV

I could tell she was nervous. But I couldn't understand why. She had lived with them for over 10 years now and had always fit in seamlessly. Bella was the glue that held us together these days. It had become more difficult to move from place to place. We saw what Bella missed, the family that tied her down to a certain location and we yearned for those days. We were never jealous of her family just saddened by the reminder of what it represented.

I squeezed her hand as we walked to the door. I could hear everyone talking, I imagine she could too. She took a deep breath and walked through the door. Emmett almost immediately was on her. Hugging her and spinning her around.

"Bella, no more breakable Bella, just plain Bella," he was so excited it was contagious.

"Down boy," I tried to get Bella back from Emmett's grasp but she was the only one strong enough to actually manage to pry her way free.

"Nice to see you too Emmett," she was laughing as she tried to smooth her clothes back down again. She looked shyly up at everyone else while she did this. I could tell she was trying to gauge their reaction to her. Everyone was smiling at her. They were trying to determine whether or not she was ready to be hugged again after Emmett's rather boisterous welcome.

Alice was next on the attack. "Bella," how someone so small could be so loud was still a mystery to me. But she loved Bella fiercely and she still hadn't forgiven me for the way in which I had turned her. No one really had. Surprisingly Rosalie had been the most supportive these past few days. She had just stayed with me and reassured me that everything would be okay and that Bella would come to forgive me. I could tell that everyone had been disappointed when Bella had forgiven me so easily. They had all hoped for more of a fight from her. I had expected it myself and had tried to prepare myself for the hate she would feel for me. If she had wanted me to leave I would have done it, nothing could ever be enough to repair the wrong that I had done to her.

I would never apologize again though. She made it clear what would happen to me if I even dared to utter those words. Instead I would spend the rest of our eternity showing her my love and proving to her that I was worthy of her, despite the fact that I didn't quite believe it myself. I watched her as she moved among my brothers and sisters. Which each hug she received she continued to be surprised at the force that they had. Poor Bella it seems like her entire life with us we had always been holding something back. I hope she didn't run now that we didn't have to anymore.

We all sat and talked for what seemed like hours. Everyone was amazed by her self control and acceptance of her new situation. She just held my hand, squeezing it every now and then as if to reassure me that she was okay or to make sure that I was okay.

Since none of us actually had to sleep it was hard to drop the subtle hints that I wanted to be alone with my wife. I wanted to talk to her. No I needed to talk to her. As if she knew that I was thinking of her she looked up at me and smiled. How it was possible for her to become more beautiful was beyond me. She radiated happiness and I was eternally grateful to have some part in that.

Eventually I stood up, giving up any attempt at discretion.

"Bella, would you mind coming upstairs with me?" I held out my hand, hoping she wouldn't mind me pulling her away from the family.

She looked up at me, a shy smile touching her mouth. "Of course not Edward," without a moment's hesitation she stood up and held her hand out to me and we said our goodbyes to the family.

The closer we got to our room the more nervous I became. She had been my wife for almost ten years and for the first time I was afraid to be alone with her. Afraid of what she might say to me now that she had more time to process everything.

Stealing a glance at her while we walked slowly upstairs she didn't appear to be upset though. She actually appeared to be quite happy, glowing almost. This was what she had always wanted, Rosalie was right. Over time the others would forgive me too. They would see that Bella was happy with what had happened to her. I hadn't ruined her life. I had given her something that she had always thought would be denied to her.

We reached the room and I opened the door for her. She walked in and hesitated as if trying to decide between the bed and the couch. I held my breath anxiously awaiting her decision. What had merely been seconds seemed like hours as she stood there unmoving in the middle of our room. Her decision made she didn't hesitate as she walked over the bed and sat down and waited for me to join her.

BPOV

We got to the room and I stopped suddenly. I wasn't sure what was expected of me here. I could tell that he still felt guilty about the whole situation and I wasn't sure if he would be receptive to my desire to lie in his arms. The comfort he gave me when he wrapped his arms around me was something I craved at this moment. The events of the day were going through my head in an endless loop. I needed him next to me, holding me and letting me know that regardless of his utter opposition to this over the past decade he still wanted me. That he wasn't disappointed that I would be by his side forever.

My decision made I sat down on the bed and looked down awaiting his decision. He was sitting next to me in an instant, his hands reaching for me. I was still amazed at his warmth and softness. The way I could see his skin indent when I touched him.

He just sat and held my hands watching me but not saying a word. I wondered what he was thinking, why he wasn't doing anything at all. We sat there for a while just looking at each other. The silence was comfortable as we sat there in awe of each other. Suddenly the silence became too much and I had to try to convey my feelings at this day.

"Edward," I rubbed my hand along the side of his face. My fingers tracing every contour, amazed at how much I hadn't even been able to realize before. He was so much more than beautiful, he was the epitome of perfection. Why had he ever picked me to stand next to him? "Why me?" It tumbled out before I had a chance to stop the words.

I knew that he hated when I doubted myself but it was hard not to in this situation. Especially now when he was frozen in the perfection of 17 years and I was almost 30 and would forever be. It would be impossible to not notice the age difference. We couldn't very well go to high school together, we couldn't go out together without drawing stares, would he eventually want someone younger, someone better? My mind flew through these thoughts and I felt my chest get tighter as I convinced myself that we could never get past these issues. That it was one thing when we only had to deal with them for my lifetime but now it was eternity that stretched before us and the odds seemed insurmountable.

"Bella," his voice broke through my thoughts. I looked up and noticed he was trying to pull his hand from mine. He had realized it too I thought. I reluctantly let his hand go and looked away. He proceeded to put a hand on each side of my face. "I'm sorry, but what were you just thinking? You were hurting my hand you were squeezing it so hard."

Oh that, I had forgotten my strength yet again. I mumbled a sorry and looked down.

"Bella, oh Bella, I'm fine. It would take far more than that to hurt me. I was just worried about you. What could you possibly be thinking that would put that look on your face?" He put his finger under my chin, forcing my eyes to meet his. "Bella, please don't shut me out, not now when there has to be so much going through your mind." He suddenly pulled me closer to him, hugging me fiercely.

"Bella, I've been such a fool for waiting for so long," I couldn't believe how tight he could hold me, how good it felt. It took a second for his words to sink in.

"What?" I couldn't understand what he meant by that.

"I've been denying you for so long and where has it gotten us?" He hung his head down again.

"No more, please no more." I pulled away from him and lay on the bed. "Please just hold me, I know I don't need to sleep anymore but old habits are hard to break."

He was next to me before the words had even finished leaving my mouth. Holding me gently he rubbed my back rhythmically, soothing me. With each circuit his hands made he unconsciously pulled me tighter to him. I buried my face in his neck, inhaling his scent now that I could fully appreciate it.

"Your mouth, please don't hide it," he whispered into my hair and I lifted my lips to his. He started gently, brushing his tongue against mine. His warm lips were caressing mine. His hand stopped rubbing and pulled me into him. Almost as if he were trying to absorb me into him, make us one.

I pushed my hands through his hair and then pulled, trying to bring his mouth closer to mine. Which wasn't even possible but necessary at this time. Our legs tangled with each other's and our chests pressed against one another's. It was electric like it had always been and yet so much more. He wasn't holding back, this was a new Edward. Someone I had to get to know. The same man I loved but not quite.

Suddenly I was on my back and he was over me, hovering above me like he was still afraid that he could hurt me. I whispered one word, just one…._please_. Then his body was on mine, pushing me into the bed and I lost myself to him. Sleep no longer ruled my nights so I turned myself over to the only thing that could replace it…him.

_Okay, hope you enjoyed that chapter. We are getting very close to the end. I will be updating again tomorrow!_


	12. Chapter 12

_AN – Here is the updated for today. Quite late but better late than never I suppose._

_Thanks again to everyone who is reading this and reviewing. I enjoy all the comments and will get to them after I finish posting the story. _

_Enjoy and I do not own!_

APOV

"I need to go and talk to her, I need to make sure she is really okay," I pushed myself from the table ready to run upstairs.

"Trust me when I say that this really wouldn't be a good time Alice," Jasper pushed me back down again. "Give them the time that they need my dear," he smiled at me while calming me.

"But how could she not be angry with him? How could she not want to hurt him?" I paced the room, needing something to do to burn this excess anger I felt coursing through me. I had wanted to kill him when I got the phone call from Esme. Jasper had to hold me down when we got to their house. Even the defeated look on his face wasn't enough to sway me from my mission. I screamed at him, yelled at him and he took it. I had the feeling that no matter the extent of my rage it was nothing compared to what he felt inside. Still that did nothing to appease me. I should have seen it, I should have been able to stop him before this happened and I failed her. She may have forgiven him but would she ever really be able to trust me again?

I sat down at the table defeated. It wasn't only him that had done this to her it was all of us. We had allowed her to live this long, never fighting him on it, never forcing him to do the one thing she so desperately wanted and where had that gotten us? Edward changing her against her will after she had so adamantly opposed it. She may be able to forgive him, us, but I never would.

Jasper pulled me closer, sensing the war I was waging within myself and just held me.

"Alice, she is happy. She loves him and now she will never have to lose him. To her that is what matters. There is no lingering anger, trust me my Alice, just pure unadulterated love," he smiled at me and I relaxed a bit. I would deal with Edward later but for now I was happy that she was finally content.

CPOV

Bella was always a constant source of amazement. She was taking this far better than I could have ever hoped for. We were all prepared the instant she woke up, ready to intervene if necessary. But as with everything that she had ever had to deal with involving us she accepted it. No disgust, no anguish just acceptance. It was a valuable gift that she had, the ability to find the heart of the situation and push aside all the useless matter that surrounded it.

Edward was clearly still worried about his part in her change but they would work through this together. I had no doubt that she would not hold anything against him. She loved him so deeply that she could never stay mad at him for any length of time despite the seriousness of what he had done.

I had to admit that I was aghast myself when I realized what he had done to her. Nothing I could have said or done would make him feel worse than he already did. He was ashamed at his lack of control and beside himself with grief that he had condemned her to this for eternity never quite grasping that this was what she had always wanted. Hopefully the road to acceptance wouldn't be long for him. I think that this was going to harder on him than her and I hoped that he wouldn't damage their relationship in the process. Edward had a knack for not fully seeing the effect that his actions had on her. By doing the best for her for this long he had made things more difficult for them in the long run. Their age difference was obvious to even the casual observer.

I walked downstairs where the family was waiting and let them know in no uncertain terms that it was time for us to go. Bella didn't appear to be a threat to anyone at the moment and they needed their privacy.

Slowly and reluctantly we made our way out of their home, leaving them to find their way alone for now.

RPOV

Obviously my brother was an imbecile. That much had always been crystal clear. But he had always loved her and always tried to protect her in his own idiotic way. Hopefully my family would one day see what I could. That she was as much to blame for this as he was. She had gone along with his plan willingly, never putting up much of a fight. She had never been strong enough to stand up to him until recently. Bad timing on her part to decide to fight for a life that was slowly slipping away but good to see her stand up for herself to be able to say no to him.

He of course was dying inside. Not willing to ever lose her and finally realizing that. A bit too late but there all the same. When the phone call came I was not surprised in the least. It was to be expected. Even Edward had his limits of control. How could he be sit there and watch her die when he could help her. Despite her wishes (he had never really listened for so long now or she would never be in this situation) he couldn't stand by and do nothing.

So he did the only logical thing. Was it right of him? Yes, it actually was. Were the circumstances perhaps not the best? Obviously! But I was happy for them, shocking I know but someone had to let him know that it was okay that he couldn't be expected to be so strong.

In losing his control he had gained the one thing that no one but himself was able to give. Eternally happiness and we all had so desperately wanted that for the two of them. Nothing was standing in their way now and I knew enough about Bella to understand that she would see that too.

So through those tough few days I gave him the one thing he was sorely lacking, support and understanding. It was the only thing I could offer him and I hoped that it somehow in some little way made this easier for him.

EPOV

Watching her as she lay content in my arms I felt the ever constant pain that had been there since I had changed her. It went against my nature to not blame myself for doing this to her despite the fact that she had ordered me not to. On the other hand while I felt distraught over having condemned her to my existence I could see the infinite benefits it opened up to us. I could touch her however I wanted to, I could kiss her without restraint, her scent would no longer burn me, and perhaps the most important thing, the thing that I had never let myself really hope for…I would never have to experience life without her.

I pulled her closer to me, savoring her skin against mine. No longer burning with the heat of life it just felt warm, comfortable. She was my other half, in this form she completed me in a way that I had never thought possible and instead of fighting it I decided to spend eternity enjoying it.

With my mind finally free to enjoy this gift that I had before me I turned her to face me. Lifting her hands to mine I kissed her wrists where her blood used to flow savoring the flavor of her that still was present. She instinctively sucked in a breath as I moved my lips along her wanting to taste her in a way I had never allowed myself.

I moved from her wrists, to her arms, to her neck. Finally I arrived at her lips and I moved mine softly against hers. I whispered her name over and over again as she offered herself to me, opening her mouth to mine. In that moment I knew that even eternity wouldn't be enough time with her.

_Only two chapters to go! Thanks again and let me know what you think._


	13. Saying Goodbye

_AN – Sorry about the delay here, the last few days have been crazy. Here is the next chapter and I will be posting the last chapter later on today._

_Enjoy and I do not own!_

EPOV

We spent the next twenty four hours together with no interruptions from our family. It was time that we spent getting to know each other again. We were both the same people in theory but there had been so many changes for each of us these past few days.

The main things were the same, her personality, her love for me, she was still just her. It was the other things that blew us away. The way it felt when her fingers touched me. The electricity was still there just immensely stronger. The freedom in just being able to touch her however I wanted was exhilarating. I had lived so long with caution being my main thought that I knew this would take some adjustment. Bella wasn't going to give me much time though. She wanted me to hold her as hard as possible. To feel everything that she had been missing for all those years.

At one moment I caught her just staring at me, a look of wonderment on her face.

"What are you staring at?" I started looking around at what was on the bed behind me.

"I was looking at you silly, how have I missed what you really looked like all of these years?" Her fingers traced every millimeter of my face.

I leaned forward and kissed her lips gently. It would be my goal to personally insure that she experienced everything. She would never feel like she missed anything because of me.

Unfortunately there was one thing we had to get out of the way before we could begin our lives together again. This morning was her funeral and this was one event that she could not experience with me. Due to the minor detail that we had no body we were not holding the service at a funeral home but at a hall. Her parents were understandably distraught. Carlisle and Esme had been more help than I deserved with them. They called them and helped them to cope with their feelings. No parent should ever have to tell their child goodbye. It was unfortunate that so many others were hurt but I had to remind myself that this is what she had always wanted.

She watched silently as I got ready. I quickly put on my black suit and tie since Carlisle would be here soon. We were the only ones attending the funeral. It was so obvious in the others that they hadn't aged. To be honest it would be obvious in me but I was hoping that I would have some leeway if I appeared to be overcome with grief. My sunglasses would be a necessity since my eyes were more red than topaz. I had no choice though. Her parents would never forgive me if I did attend her service and although I never planned on seeing them again it didn't mean that I wanted to make this any harder on them than absolutely necessary.

The sadness evident in her eyes made me want to climb back into bed and just hold her all day long. Hold her until she felt no more pain. This was our last hurdle though, our last obstacle that stood between us and our ability to move on from here. I walked over to here and gave a light kiss on her lips. She held on to me tightly and I had to work to extract myself from her grip.

"I'll be home as soon as I can, I promise. Alice will be here shortly to stay with you okay?" She just nodded still. I was a bit concerned that she hadn't said a word yet but I knew that I had to get ready to face this.

Going over to my dresser I got my sunglasses and made sure that they completely covered the red. Satisfied I grabbed the eye drops that I had purchased for today and headed downstairs with one last look at Bella.

Halfway down the stairs I stopped as I could hear her sobs. I ran back up and held her again.

"Please Bella, please let me know what I can do," she continued to sob. I could hear Alice and Carlisle walk in the door. Jasper was sitting in the car waiting until he could better handle the environment within the house.

Alice came into the room and wrapped her arms around Bella and just let her get it out. I placed one last kiss on her forehead and moved from the room. Her hand reached for me as I pulled away from her and she looked into my eyes.

"Edward, please just let them know that I love them, that I will always love them." Breaking down again she let Alice just hold her. I debated about whether or not I should even go.

"Go, she will be fine. You need to say goodbye for her," I walked quickly aware, not able to watch anymore.

Carlisle was waiting for me downstairs. He just patted me on the back as we headed out to the car. I could hear music blaring from Alice and Jasper's car as Jasper sat there holding his head in his hands. He was powerless to even make a dent in the emotions that were pouring out of Bella.

"Edward," Carlisle looked at me before he started the car. "Don't underestimate how hard this will be. You may not have lost her but all these people know that they will never see her again. Just imagine how you would feel if that was really the case."

I nodded and the mood turned somber in the car. We both were not looking forward to this day. We were the first car in the parking lot and Carlisle popped open the trunk and we took our stuff in and began setting up. Alice had spent the days of Bella's conversion creating elaborate tributes of pictures of her. She had been in contact with Charlie and Renee and had gotten pictures from her childhood also. I knew one day these would be valuable to Bella. As her human memories began to fade she would cherish this look into her past.

We sat and waited, neither of us uttering a word. I could tell the exact moment when Charlie, Renee and Phil pulled into the parking lot. The overwhelming despair in their minds hurt me.

Charlie reached me first when they got into the room and immediately pulled me into a large hug. Tears were streaming down his face as he offered his condolences to me.

"Edward, I'm so sorry you didn't have more time with her. She loved you so much, please always know that," with my speed I managed to use my eye drops so that my tears flowed as freely as his.

"Thank you sir," I hugged him again as he wandered aimlessly and found a seat. He dropped his head down as sobs racked his body.

Renee and Phil both hugged me at the same time. Phil was trying to stay strong for Renee but this was extremely difficult for him. Renee grabbed my face in her hands, "Oh Edward, why? Why? She was so young. I kept waiting for the phone call that she was pregnant, never this." Phil pulled her away from me and guided her to a seat where she was inconsolable.

I sat down in a chair, overcome. What had I done to these people? My selfishness had done this. As if sensing my emotions Carlisle sat down next to me.

"She always understood that she would have to hurt them in order to be happy Edward. Just say goodbye for her and be happy." I nodded and looked around the room as the service began.

Bella would have been surprised at how many people had shown up. We no longer lived in Forks but no one there had forgotten her. Ben, Angela, Mike, Jessica and the Blacks were some of the many who were here to remember her.

She had touched many people in her short life and I knew she would be grateful that so many came to pay their respects. As the service continued the priest asked if anyone would like to share anything about Bella. Charlie went to the podium that was next to the urn that was meant to hold Bella's ashes. A large picture of her from our wedding was next to it. It was one of my favorites of her.

"I'm not sure what to say. I never expected to be in this situation. She was my daughter and she meant more to me than any words can say. I'll always love her. I missed a lot when she was growing up. Those few weeks a year I got to see her were never enough but I cherished them. Then when she decided to move in with me permanently I was thrilled. I figured we would have the time to spend together that we didn't have when she was younger. Then she met Edward and all her time was spent with him but I couldn't blame him, she was special. Plus I could tell how much he loved her, he would watch her when she wasn't looking and I was always amazed at how devoted he was to her. So although her time on this world wasn't nearly enough I at least know that in her last years she was happy and that will help me get through the rough days."

He broke down again as he sat down in his chair. John Black rolled over to him and just gripped his hand tightly, offering him the support he needed.

Everyone else was too overcome with grief to say anything so I took a deep breath and headed up to the front.

"I want to thank everyone for being here today. I know that it would have meant a lot to Bella to know how many people loved her. When I first met Bella for a long time I wouldn't let myself believe that she actually wanted me. I didn't believe that I deserved her. Eventually I had no choice, she could be amazingly persistent when she wanted to be," a few people chuckled at that and I saw that Charlie was smiling slightly as he dabbed his eyes. "The happiest day of my life is when she became my wife and I have cherished every day that we have had together. I couldn't believe that she had agreed to spend eternity with me. These past few months have been difficult. I've never seen Bella so determined, so sure that things would all work out for the best. It killed me to see the amount of pain that she was in. Yet she still thought of others and kept reassuring me that everything would be fine, that she loved me. Even in the end her thoughts were of others. The last words I heard from her was for everyone here today. She wanted me to let everyone know that she loved you. That she will always love you," I used the Visine again as fresh tears took over the audience. "So thank you everyone for sharing her with me. She made my life complete and I can only hope that one day I will be lucky enough to spend eternity with her."

I sat down again and Carlisle held me close as he let me know he was proud of me.

Eventually the room emptied out again and I felt drained. Everyone came and gave me hugs and words of support. I promised to keep in contact with Renee and Charlie, they were worried about me.

Finally Carlisle and I were back in the car and heading back home to my Bella. I couldn't believe that I was ever so stupid as to think I could handle losing her. Thankfully that is something I would never have to worry about again.

Bella was sitting down on the couch waiting for us. As soon as I walked in the door I ran to her and just held her. We sat on the couch together. I kept her in my lap because after the service I couldn't handle her being far away from me. I answered all her questions about it and she took it rather well. Eventually she ran out of questions and just wanted to be held. Even though she couldn't get tired I could tell that she was drained.

Alice, Jasper and Carlisle had said their goodbyes a while ago and so we were alone. The house was covered in darkness. I hadn't even noticed when it turned to night. I suggested that we go for a walk and she nodded.

I held her hand in mine and we walked quietly back to the lake. As we sat down and watched the stars reflected on the lake I wondered what she was thinking. She looked so lost in thought.

"Edward," I turned to her anxiously awaiting what she had to say. "I just wanted to let you know that despite the hurt I have caused if given the chance I would do it all over again. I could never regret anything that let me have you forever." She pulled me to her and kissed me.

As we sat there kissing by the lake I knew that although my decisions weren't always the right ones I had her forever and I would cherish every day of eternity with her.

_Not the most uplifting chapter I know but only one more to go. Thanks for reading._


	14. Never Wander Alone

_AN – Well here we go, it's the end of the story. Thank you so much to everyone for all the support of this story. I had a great time writing it even if it did make me sad at times. Hope you enjoy the ending!_

_Enjoy and I do not own!_

EPOV

Here I stood again. The same spot, the same tingling in my stomach. Only it was 50 years later. I was waiting for Bella to come down those stairs and become my wife again. She was going to declare her love for me in front of everyone once again. Granted the crowd was much smaller this time but the joy I felt in this moment was still the same.

I could have never imagined 50 years ago that she would still be by my side, as my equal. It had been more then I could have ever asked for at that point in time. Now I couldn't imagine it any other way.

While I waited I allowed my mind to wander over the changes that the last few years had brought about. Her first year as a newborn had been both easier and harder than we could have ever imagined.

Easier because she knew somewhat to expect and that helped her adjustment. Not to say there wasn't moments where she lost control and it took a few of us to hold her back. Those days were the worst. She didn't understand that it was normal, that control took time. She had expected that she would somehow beat the odds and just adjust to this life without any problems. While she was amazingly controlled she just needed time.

I would just sit and hold her in those moments when she was distraught. My being there for her was enough to help her through those tough times.

To be honest it was harder for me to adjust as time went on then it was for her. In the beginning it was so simple. She still needed me. I could be there to stop her if she was about to lose control. I held her when she needed comfort. I maintained my role as the person who helped look over her. I helped her to stay safe and happy.

But as time went on and she got used to her thirst and was able to control it then she didn't need me as much. Of course she still wanted me. That part of our life became better than I could have ever hoped for. I was just so used to protecting her that I wasn't sure what to do with myself anymore.

She tried to humor me for a while. Tried to act like she needed me help her adjust still. She could only maintain that for so long though. Before long she became frustrated with me. I couldn't blame her. Everyone tried to warn me but I didn't know how to change.

Those were the hard times. The times when I would lay down by myself in our empty bed because she couldn't bear to be alone with me, didn't want to look me in the eyes. I know that I had to face it head on or else I would risk losing her. It's not that I didn't see her as an equal. I always had in my own way. I just didn't know what my role was in her life now.

Finally on the third night of her not talking to me I decided I had better fix this and went downstairs to talk to her. The family quickly vacated the home and left us alone as we fought.

It was our first big fight. She yelled at me and told me everything. How she knew that I never wanted her like this. She believed that I no longer loved her because she wasn't fragile and helpless. It hurt me to know that that was what she thought of me. That she doubted my love for her.

We reached a turning point that night though. We both had to get to know each other again. It would be best for us to move out we decided. So we informed the family that we were going to find our own place for a time. We needed an environment where we didn't have to worry about the others and what they might hear or think.

It turned out to be exactly what we had needed. The seclusion we had led to a new level of intimacy between us. She learned to be confident with herself and her new body. I learned to enjoy the benefits that her new situation provided us. We found each other again. The reason we had fallen in love with each other in the first place.

Now we lived alone majority of the time. Occasionally it was nice to be all together as a family but it worked better for us to be close by and yet still have our separate place. Plus our situation was a bit more unique than everyone else's. As much as I hoped that age wouldn't play a factor in our situation it was impossible not to notice our gap when we were with everyone else in the family. So while our siblings could blend in effortlessly with the other students in high school that wasn't possible for Bella. So Bella headed to college instead and of course I joined her.

So it was off to college for us. We had been together before but this time it was a new experience for her. For one thing it was much easier for her to retain everything. She was always smart but now it took much less effort than before.

But even the transition to college was difficult in the beginning. She was hyperaware of everyone's glances in our direction. It was normal for people to look at us though. That was the reason for our looks, to attract our prey. She was self conscious about our age difference though and felt that everyone noticed that first and would instantly drop my hand if someone happened to look in our direction.

This hurt me of course. I didn't want to hide our love. I was overjoyed that she was mine and I didn't care what people thought. To be honest everyone was more overwhelmed with her beauty then our age difference.

Bella had always been gorgeous to me but when she was changed it was magnified by 1000. Her skin glowed, her hair was luxurious and her smile lit up the entire room. She of course didn't realize any of this. All she saw when she looked in the mirror was the slight crinkle around her eyes, the way her face was a bit more rounded than when we first met. To me they only added to her beauty. But I was her husband so I was biased according to her.

She couldn't hear the thoughts around her like I could. Couldn't hear what men wanted to do to her. It took everything in my power to not pick her up and carry her away at times. It was a growing process for both of us and eventually she gained the self confidence to stand tall when in a crowd, to stand next to me and not feel out of place.

I have my family really to thank for most of this. They have done more for us than I had a right to expect. Of course they had always loved Bella and it meant a lot to her to see their relationships stay the same after the change. There of course was more physical contact between them but other than that Emmett still teased her relentlessly and Esme, Carlisle, Jasper and Alice still loved her unconditionally.

To be fair I would by lying to say there were no changes in the relationships with the family.

The one person who helped her the most was Rosalie. It was her unyielding support throughout the transition that meant the most to us. She stood up for me when no one else understood my actions. For that Bella was eternally grateful to her. The two of them grew closer and began to forge a relationship that they had never managed to have before.

Shortly after her change Bella had called a family meeting. There was still some residual anger from some members regarding the circumstances surrounding her change and she was fed up with it. She told them not so kindly that they could either forgive me and support us or we would no longer be around. It had been extremely difficult for her to issue any kind of ultimatum to the only family that she had left but she would not stand for anyone being upset over the circumstances that had transpired.

Everyone was amazed at this new side of Bella but knew better than to challenge the newborn and forgave me. They realized that she was happy and that despite how it occurred that was what mattered. As always Bella gave me much more than I deserved but she would not have it any other way.

As we settled into our lives we took the time to experience new things together. We traveled extensively and I shared with her all my favorite things from around the world. Everything we did we did together. Sitting with her and talking for hours are some of the happiest moments in my life.

I was there for her when she lost her mother and then her father. Although her memories were vague she remembered her love for them and the life she had had with them. We were able to attend each funeral so that she could say her goodbyes. We of course had to keep our distance from everyone but just having that closure was something she had needed.

Our lives proceeded in the normal manner. Time passed like the blink of an eye and I never let a day go by where I didn't tell her I loved her. She was my soul. I never thought I had one but there she was all along.

Then one day I noticed her looking wistfully at our wedding picture and I knew that even that memory was slowly slipping away and I came up with a plan. After conversing with the family they all agreed that moving back to Forks would be okay. Enough time had passed and so we all relocated again.

Moving back for Bella was difficult. She had many happy memories but also mixed feelings as we drove back into town. There was a statue in the middle of town in honor of her father and his commitment to the people of Forks. I wondered briefly if coming back was the right thing to do but she seemed to enjoy the reminders more than regret them.

So after a few weeks back with the help of Alice I put my plan into action. This was our first return to Forks since her change and I wanted to help replace some of the memories that were fading.

That is how one day we ended up back at our meadow. I could tell by the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eye that she remembered it. She knew that it was special. So we sat there and I replayed our first date, down to the food that was now useless to us but important for this moment. We sat and we talked. She asked questions about things she couldn't quite remember correctly and I told her about the first moment that I knew I loved her.

As the sun was setting the time was right. I got down in one knee in front of her and proposed to her again. I wanted to give her the wedding of her dreams. I could say I do every day of forever and it still wouldn't be enough.

She flung herself out me and basically attacked me there in the middle of the meadow. I took that to mean yes.

As we lay there, bodies entwined watching the stars it felt like everything had come full circle.

So that brings us back today. Here we stood in front of everyone again. I waited impatiently for my bride to walk downstairs to me. Even though we were already married and had been for decades the thought of her pledging her love and herself to me for eternity was invigorating. I would never get enough of it and planned to propose to her sporadically throughout our lives together.

She walked down the stairs to me, escorted by Carlisle. Her eyes never left mine and her smile was radiant. I would like to give every detail of her dress of her hair of everything but the truth of the matter is that I couldn't take my eyes of her face.

I vaguely remember repeating the words in the ceremony, being pronounced man and wife but when I lowered my mouth to hers nothing else mattered. She still tasted better than anything in this world and just the simple act of kissing her intoxicated me. I held her tight and finally amidst the snickers of the guests I pulled away.

As the night went on we never left the others side. We could have danced with the other guests, we could have been more social but it was exactly as I wanted it to be. We danced together, we laughed together. It was perfect.

So as we went to the airport and headed off for our honeymoon I couldn't help but squeeze her hand and be thankful. Thankful that despite my stubbornness, despite almost losing her we had beat the odds and now had forever together.

I once used to think of my life as endless, unchanging and cursed. That I was destined to an eternity of wandering alone. Then my life was turned upside down by this woman beside me and for once I was thankful that I had eternity. Thankful that I would never have to say goodbye to her and never again would I wander alone.

_Thanks again!_

_Jaime_


End file.
